- The Washington Times - Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’m the most famous Catholic in Hollywood. And I haven’t been a namby-pamby cafeteria Catholic - I built my own church just so I could easily attend Mass in Latin.

So rumors that my much-younger girlfriend is pregnant with my child are the talk of Tinseltown. I haven’t even been divorced from my wife yet - let alone secured an annulment. I wish I could explain how hard it is to stay on the straight and narrow when you’re a multimillionaire and one of the world’s best-known leading men. There’s so much temptation here in Hollywood. Is it really my fault for being a weak man like any other?

- Mel Gibson

Dear Mel,

We are far more liable to catch the vices than the virtues of our associates.

- Denis Diderot

I am so bitter. Not about being on a hit show. Or about still having men drool over my body at 44. No, I’m bitter about being talked into showing my breasts on that series, “Weeds.”

The director thought I needed to be naked for a scene in which I was taking a bath. I didn’t, and fought it, but he managed to goad me into it anyway. I think it’s crass to show nudity for the sake of nudity - and I’m certainly getting a lot of headlines right now for that view. And a lot of new people are searching the Internet for clips of the scene.

I just hope people don’t notice I was completely naked before that, in promotional posters for the series in which you can see pretty much my entire behind. That was more arty than the bath scene, though, don’t you think?

- Mary-Louise Parker

Dear Mary-Louise,

An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.

- Michael Korda

I thought Americans liked gratuitous violence. My movie “300” made millions off it. But now I’ve been charged with battery after allegedly hitting a photographer.

I’m wondering how else I’m supposed to deal with these scummy paparazzi. They follow me around everywhere. I tell them to get lost, they don’t listen. I feel like the character I played, King Leonidas, would know how to deal with these dudes.

- Gerard Butler

Dear Gerard,

The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.

- Ulysses S. Grant

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