- The Washington Times - Sunday, May 24, 2009

I’ve got a Benjamin Button thing going on, except in reverse.

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Did you see that report about thousands of dead people receiving millions of dollars in stimulus checks from the government? I always knew that being alive would turn out to be a disadvantage.

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“Angels & Demons” opened last weekend, and the best thing I heard about it is that Tom Hanks’ haircut looks semi-normal. Sounds promising.

It’s an action-mystery film about religion and art history. I don’t know about you, but THAT sounds like a great popcorn flick!

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I read that ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak has decided to drop the insanity defense in her upcoming attempted kidnapping trial.

You’ll remember she’s the one who drove from Houston to Orlando to confront a rival for her boyfriend’s affections. Wearing Depends.

So really, what’s so crazy about driving 1,000 miles to a beatdown in a diaper?

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Did you see this? Bob Barker was threatening to boycott the Game Show Awards this month if Betty White showed up there.

They are feuding over an elephant that Barker, 85, had wanted relocated to San Andreas. White, 87, made sure that the pachyderm will remain at the Los Angeles Zoo.

Can’t you just feel the sexual tension between these two?

To me, it sounds like they need a mediator. Is Richard Dawson available? (Please don’t get Dr. Phil.)

You know, there hasn’t been this much upset about where an elephant is going since Arlen Specter became a Democrat.

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When I was a kid, I always wanted a minion, but my parents said I wouldn’t know how to take care of it. They were so mean.

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The first movie Ron Howard directed was “Grand Theft Auto,” and now he’s directed “Angels & Demons.” So he’s kinda right back where he started.

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The New York Times reported that the operators of “feeder funds” withdrew $12 billion from Bernie Madoff’s accounts in the year before his arrest — and almost half of it in the last three months.

The trustee handling Madoff’s bankruptcy has filed two lawsuits to collect $6 billion from two feeder funds that worked with the convicted Ponzi schemer. Officials hope that bilked investors will be able to recoup some of their losses.

It looks like the $12 billion is going to be hard to recoup because they withdrew it in small bills. From an ATM.

Looks like they were preparing to spend a lot of time in a strip club.

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Are deceased persons who receive stimulus checks properly known as the grateful dead?

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I heard that “Angels & Demons” has a pretty good depiction of Dante’s vision of hell — you know, except for the waterboarding sequence.

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The East Oregonian reported that two women have gotten a new view of their lives since they found out they were switched at birth 56 years ago.

DeeAnn Shafer of Richland, Wash., and Kay Qualls of Heppner, Ore. — whose parents have died — decided to undergo DNA testing last summer after an elderly former neighbor told one of the families that the hospital made a mistake nearly six decades ago.

The women have become friends, don’t hold any grudges against the hospital and are calling themselves “swisters.”

This switched-at-birth thing poses an interesting question: Would you be the person you are now if you had grown up in a different family? Like, would Danny Bonaduce be such a mess today if he had grown up in “The Brady Brunch” instead of “The Partridge Family?”

I just hope this story doesn’t spawn a reality TV show called “Baby Swap.” Because you know we’d watch it.

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What if the stimulus checks bring the dead back to life? Then we’ve got another zombie problem!

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Sure, hell is a pit of eternal fire, but at least it’s a dry heat. Not like D.C. in August. Phew!

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Nadya “OctoMom” Suleman says her upcoming surgery won’t prevent her from becoming pregnant, despite recent reports.

Suleman, who gave birth to eight children this year, says she has no plans of adding to her brood of 14 children.

She says she’s having a myomectomy to remove fibroids from her uterus. The procedure, which will remove about half of her uterus, actually will increase her chances of becoming pregnant again.

Whew! What a loss that would have been!

I guess having children with half a uterus is like doing one-arm pushups for the OctoMom.

Suleman, who already had six kids, decided she wanted more children and told her fertility doctor to impregnate her with eight embryos. So does that make her pro-choice and pro-life?

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Apparently, “Angels & Demons” has a very graphic depiction of hell on Earth — or what the GOP refers to as “Presidential Campaign 2008.”

You can contact Carleton Bryant at 202/636-3218 and [email protected] times.com — but not today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that. In fact, the entire week is looking iffy.

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