- The Washington Times - Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I had some painful news to reveal about myself, so I did it the only way I know how - by turning it into a funny monologue.

It seemed to work, but that fact is actually making me a little uncomfortable. I told viewers of my late-night talk show about how a man tried to blackmail me. They didn’t seem to know what to say when I finally told them what he was extorting me with - evidence that I’d had affairs with women who worked with me.

When I finally admitted the allegation, the audience, expecting a punch line, started to laugh. That’s exactly what I was aiming for - but wasn’t it kind of weird for people to be laughing at my wrongdoing?

- David Letterman

Dear David,

Humor is reason gone mad.

- Groucho Marx

I wanted to celebrate my 50th birthday in style. It’s a milestone, after all. But some people are criticizing the bacchanalia I put on. There were 400 guests, thousand-dollar bottles of champagne and baby sharks displayed in tanks - just to remind everyone of my tough reputation. I’m not sure what my mother, who attended, thought of the topless dancers and onstage dominatrix.

Was I wrong to spend my cash so conspicuously? The thing is, I’m not known as a moderate kind of guy. I’ve made my name by going over the top. Why should I stop now?

- Simon Cowell

Dear Simon,

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

- Oscar Wilde

How embarrassing - I got kicked off the reality TV show that bore my name. “Jon & Kate Plus 8” is now simply “Kate Plus 8.” If only my name had contributed to the rhyme.

I was so humiliated by the firing that I pretended I was going to quit anyway. The problem is, I really could use the show’s income. I mean, what kind of job can a guy like me have? I’m used to getting paid just for being in the limelight. Now my soon-to-be ex-wife is accusing me of unlawfully raiding our joint bank account for $200,000. How else can I make money if I’m not on the show anymore?

- Jon Gosselin

Dear Jon,

I think all great innovations are built on rejections.

- Louis-Ferdinand Celine

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