- The Washington Times - Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I did a bad thing - but I’m paying my debt to society. You know, by being on probation.

So why do people have to keep bugging me about it? Yeah, I brutally beat my girlfriend. But I’m trying to move on with my life. If I don’t forget it happened, how will I ever be able to get a new woman or rehabilitate my career?

That’s why I was so irritated when Larry King kept asking me about it. OK, maybe I should have realized that’s why he wanted me on his show, but I got so fed up with the repeated questions, I just said I didn’t remember doing what I did. People seem almost as upset about that as they did about me actually doing it.

Isn’t there some way we could all just forget about this? And concentrate on my hit records?

- Chris Brown

Dear Chris,

As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape.

- John Lancaster Spalding

My husband doesn’t have the business savvy that I do. How can I see that he gets it?

You see, I’m an actress - but I’m also so much more. In fact, I’ve laid the foundation to be a lifestyle guru on the level of Oprah. But my husband doesn’t have my ambition. He’s happy simply to be the frontman of the biggest band in the world. I told him he should try a solo album - you know, diversify like I have. But he refuses.

How can I convince him his life could be even better than it is now if he’d just get out of his comfort zone?

- Gwyneth Paltrow

Dear Gwyneth,

The first thing to learn in intercourse with others is non-interference with their own peculiar ways of being happy, provided those ways do not assume to interfere by violence with ours.

- William James

I need some economic advice - I’ve gotten myself into a lot of debt.

American Express is suing me, saying I rang up a bill of $92,738.86 but never paid it off. I don’t see why this is my fault. They’re the ones who gave a Gold card to a guy who made his name in a single movie and then hardly did anything of note ever again. I mean, look at my resume - do you remember me in anything other than “American Beauty”? Didn’t think so.

- Wes Bentley

Dear Wes,

If I owe you a pound, I have a problem; but if I owe you a million, the problem is yours.

- John Maynard Keynes

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