- The Washington Times - Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

Why can’t a hard-working guy enjoy a drink now and then? I’m in the news, not for my work judging on “America’s Got Talent,” but for a little visit to the hospital. My 17-year-old daughter got the paramedics to come when she found me on the floor, saying I was “extremely drunk.” Now I’m being called an irresponsible lush again. It doesn’t help that a couple years ago, another daughter filmed me looking pretty drunk, crawling around on the floor trying to eat a cheeseburger.

Who hasn’t had a few too many? Is kicking back once in a while really such a bad thing?

- David Hasselhoff

Dear David,

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.

- Seneca

I can’t take it anymore. My ex-wife is everywhere and I’m nowhere - except in the nasty comments she’s making about me. Whitney even went on Oprah to talk about how I spat on her. But she didn’t say one word about my voice or my moves.

I need to retake my reputation - and my looks, so I’ve decided to go on “Celebrity Fit Club.” That will give America the chance to see the kind of guy I really am - or at least the kind of guy I want to present myself as. Do you have any other tips on countering Whitney’s media offensive against me? If she can make a comeback, I can too.

- Bobby Brown

Dear Bobby,

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

- John Wooden

I‘m in love - so I’m going to get married. That’s what people do, isn’t it? At least they did in the old days, when marriage was a real institution. And I’m an old-fashioned kind of girl - though you might not realize it watching my reality show. Or hearing about my DUI arrest.

Yeah, I’ve only known my boyfriend for a month. But when you’re ready to be committed- I mean commit - you’re ready to commit, right?

- Khloe Kardashian

Dear Khloe,

Marriage is a wonderful institution … but who wants to live in an institution?

- Groucho Marx

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