- The Washington Times - Thursday, December 13, 2012

I try not to be culturally insensitive, but if the end of the world prevents me from winning a fantasy football title, I have no use for the Mayans. 

I’ve got a chance to win it all in three leagues with three vastly different teams. I have Doug Martin in two of the leagues, but otherwise my starting lineups have nothing in common.

Maybe that means I’m pretty good at fantasy football — or at least pretty good at predicting which players will be successful over a full season. Hopefully, my predictive abilities are better than those of the Mayans.

On a related note, some catastrophes aren’t all bad. You can lose your regular-season finale by 52 points (to your wife) and still make the playoffs when the Texans lay an egg on Monday Night Football.

Purely for ego gratification (Hey, cut me some slack; the world might end in a week!), I just want to take a moment to point out that in the one league in which I did not make the playoffs I was the leading scorer.

OK, back to the week(s) ahead.

I thought about discussing the best matchups, but people who would need such advice after 14 weeks likely didn’t make the playoffs, so I’d just be wasting keystrokes.

Plus, if I did such a thing, I think it’s federal law that I must use a sufficient pairing of antonyms, and with love/hate and like/dislike already taken, there’s not much left in the English language to choose from. Would you read a column called Enamored/Despised? I didn’t think so.

The reality is that if you made it this far, you have a pretty good idea what you’re doing. Or you’ve been really lucky for three months, in which case, no one in your league likes you.

I will, however, offer one piece of advice: Remember how you got here.

You almost certainly made the playoffs in large part due to a core group of players. It might have taken you a month or so to figure out that core, but it’s highly unlikely you secured a playoff berth by moving multiple players in and out of your lineup each week. If you did, you’re the person mentioned above and America — no, the world — wants you to lose.

I have a theory that self-sabotage has long been part of the human condition. I bet the Mayans started it.

Anyway, it often seems we can’t help ourselves from doing the dumbest thing at the worst possible time. So with that in mind, fight the biological urge to start making roster moves you’d never make in the regular season.

And I know that urge well. You think, “Hey, I’ll make a move no one would expect, it’ll work out perfectly and people will talk about how awesome I am until the end of time.”

Well, a few things: 1) Unexpected moves rarely work out; 2) On the rare chance one does, the person who pulls it off becomes temporarily insufferable — temporarily being a length of time ranging from one offseason to multiple decades; 3) If the Mayans are wrong and you’re right, no one cares how awesome you are; but 4) If the Mayans are right and you’re wrong, your last few days on Earth will be spent knowing you cost yourself a chance at winning a fantasy title (had the world not ended) and the end of time will be a welcome respite from the mocking you will receive from fellow fantasy owners.

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