In the run-up to the 2016 presidential election, the Republican Party will explode. When the smoke clears, there will be four (four!) new parties.
First, there will still be the Republican Party, sort of, but it will change its name to the GOPPPP (Grand Old Party Of Perennial Pathetic Putzes). The new name, though, won’t change the fact that the party has failed to win a majority of America’s voters in five of the past six elections or that it keeps running candidates even its own members don’t like!
It’s top contenders? Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida; Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin; Gov. Rick Perry of Texas; maybe that guy who governs Wisconsin. You know, the polished politicos who say all the right things to get Republicans to like them, but who then go on to get slaughtered in the general election. Those guys.
Then, there’ll be a new super-combo-hybrid party joining the old GOP with the Democratic Party. No, not Republicrat — Demoblican. In this new abomination, there aren’t even Republicans-In-Name-Only — there aren’t even Republicans! There are just the truly enlightened public servants, here to serve us because they — and they alone — have been given The Gift from on high.
It’s sole contender? Gov. Chris Christie. Sure, former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush will tease a Demoblican run, but in an epiphany, he’ll remember that his last name is Bush and disappear forever. That, of course, will leave the portly New Jersey pol alone, but don’t worry, he’ll debate himself endlessly, move right, then left, like John F. Kerry windsurfing, until no one has any idea which way he’s going. And then he’ll disappear forever, too.
Meanwhile, out of the ashes, rising like a Phoenix, will be former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, ruler of (you guessed it) the Phoenix Party. She will rally her millions of minions with a wave of her tawny tan hand and her powerful ShePAC will haul in $100 million in nine seconds. But then, even before New Hampshire or Iowa, the slog that is a presidential campaign will hit her and she’ll remember she’d rather be poolside in Phoenix (or more precisely, Scottsdale). And remember, one thing the former governor does really well is quit.
Last, there will be the new Constitution Party. And this one, unlike the others, will be real. The two combatants: Sens. Rand Paul of Kentucky and Ted Cruz of Texas, heavyweights both. The two men can flat-out talk: The Kentucky senator held court (and his bladder) for some 13 hours on the Senate floor, and the Harvardy senator has won just about every debating contest ever held in English (and Spanglish).
They’ll battle through 2015, then across the country in 2016. The eventual winner? Both of them. One will win the nomination, and pick the other as his running mate. End of the GOP — and good day to you, Constitution Party.
This scenario most likely won’t come true. But the Republican Party — and the country — would be far better off if it did.
• Joseph Curl covered the White House and politics for a decade for The Washington Times and is now editor of the Drudge Report. He can be reached at email@example.com and on Twitter @josephcurl.