OPINION:
Some people call me a homeschool mom. I prefer to just say that I homeschool.
The difference might seem slight, but by intentionally defining homeschooling as a task instead of a core identity I am making a practical statement: homeschooling is something that I do, not who I am.
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In distinguishing between being and doing, I don’t want to cast shade on moms who embrace the “homeschool mom” identity. Moms get shamed enough as it is. But I do want to invite people to consider that some of the identities we wrap ourselves in could be alternatively categorized as things we do rather than things we are — without lessening our commitment to the task.
For me, this thing is homeschooling. And by using the phrase “homeschooling mom” instead of “homeschool mom,” I’m able to appropriately prioritize homeschooling, rather than let it consume me.
As a society we’ve become obsessed with identities, whittling our niches ever smaller as we seek approval and meaning. Identity politics have gone far beyond party affiliation, economic strata, race, and religion. I ironically find I lose some vital and nuanced part of my humanity when I try to distill myself into neat little buckets like, “introverted writer,” “novice sourdough baker,” and “casual Wingspan player” (is there such a thing?).
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But as a new homeschooling mom, I fell into this trap. All the bright, shiny curriculum options! All the fun field trips! All the amazing homeschool groups, co-ops, and other partnerships that make homeschooling a more communal enterprise. With a little elbow grease, I’ll make an epic homeschool mom.
My pursuit to become a homeschool mom worthy of my own inflated imaginations became everything. All too easily, homeschooling became an idol, and from it I sought my sense of worth and my parenting report card. When my child struggled with a concept, I felt like I was failing as a teacher. When she begged to keep reading her history text past the pages assigned for the day, I claimed her joy as my own. When she went through a phase of “I don’t want to do school,” I began questioning if I was just doing it all wrong: homeschooling, parenting, life in general. I sunk hours into researching how to “fix” my daughter and my homeschooling, tried out different curricula and pushed her a little harder.
My need to be a perfect homeschool mom (because I saw it as a reflection of my success) drove my daughter crazy and resulted in me feeling bitter, going to bed exhausted, and waking up burned out, bored, and in need of a serious serotonin fix.
I didn’t have time to play with and enjoy my daughter, or her younger brothers. I didn’t carve out time for myself apart from being a mom and homeschooling. I sacrificed evening time with my husband to do “more research.” Homeschooling was eating me alive.
A healthy homeschool does not look like this, folks. A healthy life cannot be built upon a singular fixation.
Children flourish in a homeschool setting when they, not the parent(s), are the reason for and center of the homeschool. My expression of a “homeschool mom” made homeschooling about my goals and my achievements as the teacher, my fulfillment as a mom.
It’s not wrong, for me as a parent, to take satisfaction in the hard work of being a homeschooling mom. But that’s not why I do it. My husband and I homeschool our oldest child because it’s a flexible, adaptable educational model that works well for her, that inspires her curiosity and allows for unique learning opportunities. She’s able to learn without getting bogged down by fears over personal safety, endless testing, or becoming a pawn in educational politics.
I homeschool because it’s good for my daughter. And when I keep the emphasis of our homeschooling on her, (not what I can get out of it), then I am able to set reasonable, healthy expectations. She’s happier, I’m less stressed, and I have more time for my other kids, my husband, and myself.
Homeschooling is something I do, not who I am. Among other things, I am a writer, a friend, a wife, and a (homeschooling) mother. I am a person that puts priorities in order, based on the needs and desires of those I love most. I’m more than a singular identity enslaved to stringent, impossible expectations.
When I emphasize the “doing” of homeschooling, I remind myself that, as important as homeschooling is in my life right now, it’s not forever. Relegating homeschooling to its proper sphere (vital, but not the central focus of our family), it becomes one of many things I do as a person, not my sole occupation.
And I’m all the happier for it.
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Abigail Dunlap is a staff writer for the Home School Legal Defense Association. She also writes at her substack.
HSLDA is a non-profit advocacy organization that makes homeschooling possible by protecting homeschooling families and equipping them to provide the best educational experience for their children. We have been trusted for over 40 years to care for homeschooling families as we safeguard their freedom and secure the future of home education.
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