OPINION:
The way loneliness affects people reminds me of Ashlyn Blocker. Ashlyn has what’s called congenital insensitivity to pain (CIP). It’s a rare genetic mutation, and as the name suggests, it prevents the person who has it from feeling pain. Being impervious to pain might seem like an advantage, a superpower of sorts. But it’s enormously detrimental.
When Ashlyn was a young girl, she completely burned off the skin on the palm of her hand by placing it on a hot pressure washer — she didn’t realize she was being burned until it was too late. She was once swarmed and bitten by hundreds of fire ants without realizing it. As a newborn she almost chewed off her entire tongue.
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Why?
People with CIP can’t feel pain, so they don’t realize when damaging things are happening to them, such as burning flesh, a broken bone, or serious internal infections. And because of this, most people with CIP die very young.
CIP is a perfect metaphor for men’s hearts today. Our hearts are frozen and numb, and we don’t realize something is life threatening to our core self until it’s too late.
All too often, we reach a place where we can’t feel anything. And at first glance we might think it’s because we’re strong, that it’s a superpower to move through life without being overwhelmed by emotions. But the reality is that we are suffering and dying on the inside, and we are just too numb to realize it.
Some of you might be wondering, “Can loneliness really kill?”
The answer is yes. Loneliness can, in fact, be just as strong a predictor for illness and death as smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure. Sleep is also less restorative for those who are lonely. Loneliness weakens your immune system. It also increases the risk of dying of heart disease, cancer, and stroke.
The research on loneliness as it relates to mortality is especially staggering. In one meta-analysis (a study of other studies), researchers found that “data across 308,849 individuals, followed for an average of 7.5 years, indicate that individuals with adequate social relationships have a 50% greater likelihood of survival compared to those with poor or insufficient social relationships.”
Not only does it kill, it warps your view of reality. In one study, college students were given a backpack loaded with significant weight. They were then led to a steep hill and asked to estimate how steep the hill was. Everyone got the same backpack with the same weight, and each was asked to assess the same hill. But those who assessed the hill alone, without a group, guessed it was significantly steeper and longer than those assessing it with a friend or two. And for those who assessed the hill’s steepness with people who they had been friends with for a long time, that optimism was amplified.
I don’t think “getting in touch with your feelings” is the cure to loneliness. Nor do I think group therapy is the answer.
Can those things be helpful? Of course.
The real cure for loneliness is friendship — deep, enriching, beautiful, long-term friendship.
But many guys don’t have many friends.
Have you ever heard the joke that the reason men golf is because they are too afraid to ask each other to go on walks together? There’s some truth in that. Maybe another way to put it is they don’t know how to be a good friend.
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This is an excerpt from “Fighting Shadows: Overcoming 7 Lies that Keep Men from Becoming Fully Alive.”
Jeff Bethke is the New York Times bestselling author of Jesus > Religion, It’s Not What You Think and numerous other books. He and his wife, Alyssa, host “The Real Life Podcast” and run FamilyTeams.com, an online initiative equipping families to live as a multi-generational team on mission. He is also the co-founder (along with Fighting Shadows co-author Jon Tyson) of the Forming Men podcast and retreats. They live in Hawaii with their daughters, Kinsley and Lucy and son, Kannon. For more on Jeff, click here.
Jon Tyson is a New York City based pastor and author. Originally from Adelaide, Australia, Jon moved to the United States over two decades ago with a passion to seek and cultivate renewal in the Western Church. He is the author of multiple books, including “The Burden Is Light,” “Beautiful Resistance,” and “The Intentional Father.” He serves as the Senior Pastor at Church of the City New York.
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