- - Tuesday, July 5, 2011


As we all know from state and local laws that have been on the books for years, fireworks are dangerous and, without proper government supervision, can cause serious damage, injury and even death.

Without oversight, training and licensing by the government or one of its authorized agencies, individual citizens can cause bodily harm to themselves, hurt others, destroy property and generally cause mayhem that undermines placid governance.

The individual citizen may stick firecrackers up his nose and light them. He may jab a sparkler into the gas tank of the jeep parked in his garage and catch the whole house on fire.

A little necessary gene-pool weeding, you say? Not so, as our utopia progresses toward free government-mandated health care for all and our health panels are left figuring out how much public treasure to spend on the kid without nostrils or keeping the severely burned and homeless family on ventilators.

Fireworks are even more dangerous in the hands of a citizen who wants to have fun or entertain his fellow citizens.

He may stick an M-80 into a rotten apple, light it and throw it so that it blows nasty burned applesauce as near to his friend’s head as possible.

Or he might light a string of lady fingers and toss them into the tent where his brother is asleep with an unknown dog. In the sudden fog of smoke and pyrotechnics, the dog jumps up, bites the brother while involuntarily relieving himself all over the inside of the tent.

This can be very funny to watch, but it is also very disorderly.

Bottle rockets are even more dangerous and pose a greater threat to society.

Fired out of the tube of a used Roman candle toward a police car riding by, for instance, they will cause the police officer to turn on the siren and flashing lights and pursue evildoers who are, very often, 12 years old.

The bottle rockets with the high-pitched whistlers are even more incendiary. They can fly into the yard of the grouchy old lady down the street and disturb her parakeets into squawking up a huge racket just as she is trying to concentrate on finishing her giant jigsaw puzzle.

Bottle rockets are especially subversive because they are, of course, the gateway weapons to rocket-propelled grenades used to take down airliners and military helicopters.

This year in particular, with all the wildfires, fireworks are especially dangerous to public safety. Citizens could go out into tinder-dry woods and light explosives that they really can’t see for all the trees but that will catch the forest on fire and burn all of society to the ground.

Thank goodness the government is here to protect us from our fellow citizens and, in particular, ourselves.

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