Boy, what a summer you’ve missed here in the nation’s capital! Then again, you got outta town just in time! So much going on since you left for Camp Vineyard, so lemme’ try to catch you up so when you get back to the office, you’ll have a clue what’s been going on (bosses blow, don’t they?).
First, the Middle East is “blowing up.” At least that’s what that guy who works for you says (if you’re making a list of Things To Do when you get back, you might want to put at the top of it — “Chat with Chuck Hagel, ask him to pipe down”).
Turns out everything’s on fire there since you left. Palestinians are lobbing rockets into Tel Aviv, Israel is striking back, hundreds are dead. That other guy who works for you (the windsurfer, whatshisname, long face, owns a big house down the street from you) went over and tried to strike a deal, but failed so badly that Egypt had to step in to broker a cease-fire. That hasn’t worked out so well (surprise). You’ll see when you get back.
Oh, and that little terrorist group you called a junior varsity squad — saying that just because some guy “puts on Lakers uniforms, that doesn’t make them Kobe Bryant” (I love your sports analogies!) — well, they went on a blitz while you were on the golf course.
They beheaded an American and filmed the whole thing (it was on the news, but I think you were on the back nine then). Then they said they were going to attack Americans everywhere, even claimed to be in your hometown, Chicago. (Ha, I know, like you’re ever going back to that dump again!)
Your Defense Secretary had lots to say about that (Boy, he’s been a Chatty Cathy since you left). He said that ISIS (by the way, you should start calling it ISIS. No one knows what you’re talking about when you call it ISIL, makes you look out of touch) is “beyond anything that we’ve seen.” Man, that guy could use a little R&R, am I right? Maybe he can use your $12 million pad on the Vineyard when you get back to D.C.
Everyone’s been saying you blew it on Iraq, let the terrorists just sweep through, re-arm, take over. But I’ve been telling them you’re all over the situation between bike rides and jazz concerts and beach outings. And it’s not like the whole mess is going anywhere — it’ll all be here when you get back. What’s the rush?
So what else. Oh, Syria. Remember that “red line” you drew? Well, that was a good call (you never get credit for stuff like that!). That place has melted down, too. Seems ISIS is all over there as well (on that Things to Do list, you might add: “Ask CIA if there are other huge threats I don’t know a thing about.” LOL!). Did you hear ISIS seized a government airport there? Think you were at dinner that night at Atria (their “cioppino” is to die for, isn’t it, even if it costs $42!).
Anyway, no rush, but when you get back, you might want to lob some bombs into there, too.
That’s pretty much wait, did you hear about Ukraine? Seems Russia sent in an “aid convoy” that was really just a bunch of heavily armed troops. Ukraine was all “Invasion!” and Vladimir Putin was totally like “Who, me?” I know you called him from your 8,000-square-foot ocean-side mansion and issued a really stern warning, so you’re probably all set there. Still, Things to Do List: “Reset that reset!”
That’s everyth — Wait, you know about that whole mess in Missouri, right? No, of course you don’t or you would have gone there, you being the first every half-black, half-white president and all (I always forget about your white half!). Seems a black teenager was shot by a policeman. An eyewitness said the teen had his hands up (that guy turned out to have been an accomplice when the two robbed a liquor store! Blergh!).
There were days and days of riots, looting, you name it. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it (although the cell service up there is pretty spotty; FYI, you can always hit a Starbuck’s to get Wi-Fi). While you were on the golf course with Alonzo, a bunch of race-baiters went in to stir things up, and, boy, did they. Seems to have died down, so maybe you dodged a bullet on that one? (No pun intended!)
Well, that’s really it. Oh, and Ebola. But that’s not going to get here, right? Wait, one more. That American held by terrorists in Syria was released (you were hiking then, but your National Security Adviser issued a statement, so done and done).