MARYVILLE, Mo. (AP) - Lew Austin of Savannah drives a lot. He delivers hair care products for State Beauty Supply in the northwest Missouri region and averages about 1,200 miles a week on the road.
Sometimes when a song would come on the radio, and he would think of his late wife, Sharon, Austin said it would be difficult to keep driving. He said he has grieved over the last couple years but is finally finding a “new normal.”
Austin’s wife of 51 years died of colon cancer in 2012. He said one of the most difficult aspects of grief came in finally accepting that Sharon wouldn’t be coming back. Once he had done that, Austin said, he could begin to build a new life.
“You have to, because you gotta come on down the road,” he told the Maryville Daily Forum (https://bit.ly/1hXFQ6C ).
Moving on after the death of a loved one is never easy.
“I’ll tell you what. If you haven’t been through it, you don’t know,” Austin said.
As a part of processing his grief, Austin joined a GriefShare group at Brookdale Presbyterian Church in St. Joseph shortly after his wife died.
GriefShare is a support group designed for people mourning the death of loved ones. This can include grandchildren, spouses, siblings, parents, significant others and good friends.
Attendees receive a workbook and watch video seminars throughout a 13-week cycle. Each week, the group focuses on a different topic pertinent to coping with loss. During this time, group members can share as much or as little as they like about their own stories.
On Monday, a Maryville chapter of GriefShare will begin meeting at the Maryville Public Library from 9:30 to 11 a.m.
“It’s important for people to understand what grief is all about,” said Donald Weston, who facilitates GriefShare meetings and works in bereavement with AseraCare.
He said he hopes that the Maryville group will provide area residents with a means to bond and find support.
“One of the things I’ve really learned from the group is to lean into our grief,” said Evelyn Miller of Savannah.
Miller lost her husband, Wayne, to liver cancer in 2013 after 53 years of marriage. She said she’s been attending the same group in St. Joseph for a couple years.
She continues to go because she doesn’t want to stay in the same place she was in after the initial shock of her husband’s death.
Miller likened her recent experiences with grief to completing her first 5K race. To finish, Miller had to lean forward to get a second wind. Daily facing her sorrow, she said, feels a lot like that.
Like Austin, Miller said going to the group has helped her create a “new normal.”
Both Miller and Austin used the same phrase when describing living without their spouses.
“It can get a lot better than when it first happened,” Austin said. “But you don’t get there very fast.”
Weston invited Austin and Miller to participate in GriefShare when he found out they had lost their spouses.
Austin still goes, but not every week now. He said he has attended two 13-week cycles. He and Miller said people should go through the program more than once in order to benefit from it the most.
Several people who attend the group have lost spouses like Miller and Austin, but Weston said he wants people to know GriefShare isn’t only widows and widowers.
Kim Wheeler of Gower also attends the group in St. Joseph. When her daughter Shania was seven months old, Wheeler found out the child had a brain tumor. After years of health problems, Shania died of complications from pneumonia and influenza A on January 30, 2013.
Missing Shania’s loving personality makes coping particularly difficult, Wheeler said.
“She was one tough cookie,” Wheeler said, remembering her daughter. “I just wish the world could be more like her.”
Wheeler described Shania as a person who had special needs throughout her life. For years, Wheeler worked with Shania’s caregivers, drove her daughter to doctor appointments, and eventually worked alongside hospice staff for three years.
She said that after a while, those who cared for Shania became like family to her.
After Shania died, Wheeler found herself and her daughter Chloe, 8, with less support because these caregivers didn’t come to the house anymore.
“It’s a relief in some ways, but I don’t know what to do with me,” Wheeler said.
Gary Butler, who helps facilitate the St. Joseph GriefShare group, invited Wheeler to join. Wheeler said she resisted at first. In fact, she drove to the meeting and sat in the parking lot in her truck for a while before deciding to go in.
“Not everyone can understand the loss of a child,” Wheeler said.
Even after attending her first GriefShare meeting, Wheeler wasn’t sure she was ready to commit because she wasn’t sure she would find the empathy she needed there.
But she stayed, and at the group Wheeler found someone who lost a grandchild and had many similar feelings.
“Everyone was so warm and welcoming and caring,” Wheeler said.
All those interviewed for this story said they experienced talking with friends, family, or co-workers who struggled knowing how to respond to them after the loss. Often, Wheeler said, she found that even those close to her didn’t know what to say and would avoid talking about Shania’s death because they were afraid of upsetting her.
“But that’s the last thing I need right now,” Wheeler said. “I need people to talk to me.”
For Wheeler, GriefShare provides a starting place for healing. Being around people who understand loss helps, she said, but Wheeler admitted she still struggles with depression. She said that when she’s not working, she finds it difficult to work in her home or finish projects related to her daughter’s memory.
After a year and a half, Shania’s clothes are still in a hamper. These are clothes Wheeler wants to use to make a memory quilt, but even thinking about touching them paralyzes her.
Wheeler said she has made some friends at the group, which is common among attendees. Austin meets with a small group of men to talk over coffee, and Miller said Weston has pushed her past her comfort zone when it comes to connecting with others. Miller said agreeing to be interviewed for this story took a lot of courage.
“The group has helped me to reach out to other people, and say, ’Okay. We can go further than what we thought,’” Miller said.
Anyone interested in attending GriefShare in Maryville or St. Joseph can call Don Weston or Dawn Stephens at 816.324.1250. Although Weston likes to plan for newcomers, it is not necessary to sign up in advance. GriefShare is free and open to walk-ins.
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Information from: Maryville Daily Forum, https://www.maryvilledailyforum.com
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