- The Washington Times - Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

My family’s been in the news a lot lately - but not for our incredible acting talents. You might recall I had a bit of a dust-up with one of my sons last year. I was actually arrested for assault, although I was vindicated when I never got charged. (OK, I may have popped out a couple of his teeth once, but that was 20 years ago.)

Now another son has gotten me into trouble. We both were arrested for drug possession last week when officers inspected the house as part of my kid’s probation. Add to that the fact that my daughter was arrested earlier this year trying to buy crack, and, well, the O’Neals aren’t looking too good these days. Any ideas on how we can improve our image?

- Ryan O’Neal

Dear Ryan,

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

- George Bernard Shaw

I’m so depressed. I’m trying to turn my life around and become known for more than just what I do at night, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Like just about everyone else in Hollywood, I’m a big fan of another celebrity, Sen. Barack Obama. Because the papers report just about everything I say, I thought it would be great to use my fame to host some events for him that would appeal to young people. But I’ve been dissed! The presidential candidate rebuffed my generous offer, with one of his advisers saying I wasn’t a good role model. Don’t you think this would have been the perfect way to rehabilitate my reputation?

- Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

Actors search for rejection. If they don’t get it, they reject themselves.

- Charlie Chaplin

I really need some advice - I’ve lost my job. I’m one of the most famous people on television. I’m great. So great, in fact, that jealous people can’t stop making fun of me. Every great satire show has taken a shot at me - “The Simpsons,” “Saturday Night Live,” “South Park,” “The Soup.” The list goes on. So I don’t understand why I was fired. Sure, I sent an e-mail to my co-workers at “The Insider” about how great I am that might have mentioned how host Lara Spencer’s segments make people want to vomit. But she really shouldn’t be the sole host of the show. I was a co-host until I got stuck going to rehab. So why did my honesty make me lose what little position I did have on the show?

- Pat O’Brien

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.

- William Penn

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