- The Washington Times - Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’m having a messy breakup with my girlfriend. Honestly, I don’t know why I stayed with her so long. As you’ve probably read in the tabloids, we’ve had a lot of pretty public fights. Since she’s always telling the tabs her side of the story, I wanted to make sure mine got out. I posted to Twitter how devastated I felt after discovering she had cheated on me. Now that I’m seeing this reported everywhere, though, I’m having second thoughts. Is an eye for an eye the right way to handle these situations?
— Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,
Judgment is not upon all occasions required, but discretion always is.
— Lord Chesterfield

• • •

I am hoppin’ mad. That pretty-boy actor Ethan Hawke wrote a piece in Rolling Stone about a fight Kris Kristofferson had with a “nameless” country star. It was pretty obvious he was talking about me. He claims I told Kris not to spew any of his leftist garbage at a party for Willie Nelson. I had a post-9/11 hit during the Bush years, but the political mood’s pretty different in the country now. Should I be worried about my career?
— Toby Keith

Dear Toby,
Publicity can be terrible. But only if you don't have any. — Jane Russell

• • •

I can’t seem to stay out of jail. I pleaded not guilty to drug possession last month, and I’m due back in court this week regarding a drunken- [Note] bass - ap, drunk- [/NOTE] driving charge. Even worse, I got arrested this weekend for bringing heroin into a jail. I feel pretty bad because my mom is battling cancer and was just hospitalized. It’s hard to battle my demons when I have a father who’s been arrested. Is this my fault or my parents’?
— Redmond O’Neal

Dear Redmond,
Good wombs have borne bad sons.
— William Shakespeare

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