- - Tuesday, July 15, 2014

It’s good to see the Department of Justice tackling the tough issues.

The Justice Department, notorious for its speed and eternal vigilance when it comes to policing the lawlessness of the Obama Administration, is investigating a controversial parade float critical of the president less than two weeks after its debut in a Fourth of July celebration in the small town of Norfolk, Nebraska. The parade float featured a zombie-like mannequin wearing overalls, standing outside of an outhouse labeled “Obama Presidential Library.”

After the DoJ’s continued stonewalling of the investigation into the IRS scandal, who knew they could act so quickly?

Dale Remmich, the mastermind behind the float, claims that the mannequin depicted himself and not Mr. Obama. In his own words, he was motivated to design the float out of frustration with the president’s handling of the Veterans’ Affairs administration.

As you can imagine, reaction to the float from the Perpetually Outraged Society (POS) was immediate. One local resident told KTIV-TV that the float and the reaction of the crowd, several of whom were laughing and clapping, offended her. (A word of advice, ma’am: If applause leaves you appalled, never, ever go to a Huskers football game. It will leave you in a catatonic state. Seriously.)

To many on the left, laughing and clapping at the expense of Barack Obama is not permissible. Not even in Nebraska. And I will paraphrase a statement released by the Nebraska Democratic Party — they thought the float was not only racist — it was the worst thing in the history of history!

To be fair, this probably wasn’t the best idea Dale has ever had. Despite his right to free speech, Remmich should have picked a better way to convey his frustration with the president other than a float at a Fourth of July parade comparing the president’s legacy to poop. Bad form.

However, last I checked, “hurting people’s feelings” is not an offense punishable by law. No laws were broken. No threats were made against the president. This is another example of the Obama  administration using its power to silence its critics. And it’s deplorable.

Well, there’s nothing old Dale can do to change anything; that parade is a thing of the past — like a strong U.S. economy and $2 per gallon gas. All he can do now is defend himself against a Justice Department investigation.

Taking a page from the Democrat playbook, I have a few suggestions on how he can do just that:

1) The “What Difference Does It Make?!?” Defense

If it is good enough for Hillary Clinton, it’s good enough for Dale Remmich. Every time he is asked a question about the float, he should give that now infamous zinger. I can hear it now: With all due respect, the fact is, we have a parade float whose joke didn’t land! Was it racism, or was it a poorly executed protest of failed federal policies? At this point, what difference does it make?!

And while he is frustrating investigators, his friends can hide the float in a place the Obama Administration will never find it- a local VA hospital.

2) The “I Was Offended By A YouTube Video” Defense

Any video will do. He can blame it on Nickelback. And while Justice Department investigators are on their computers doing a YouTube search for the song “Photograph,” Dale’s minions can crate up the float, write “Operation Fast and Furious” all over it and send it to a Mexican drug cartel. The feds will never be able to track it. To guarantee success, Dale can mail it via the U.S. Postal Service. Nobody will be able to find it, not even the NSA.

3) The “I Emailed it to Lois Lerner and She Lost It” Defense

At least Dale can be sure of one thing: if he uses this one he will not have to worry about a special prosecutor being named to FloatGate. Plus, he would get a paid leave and eventual pension out of the deal.

4) The “I Didn’t Hear About it Until I Heard it on the News” Defense

If it is good enough for Barack Obama, it’s good enough for Dale Remmich. I didn’t know anything about my Obama outhouse float until I saw Chris Matthews calling me a racist on MSNBC, just like you did. I didn’t even know it was the Fourth of July. I thought it was Festivus.

No matter what defense Dale chooses, he can take solace in the fact that it’s not as absurd as the premise of the actual investigation. Sadly, this administration has become so cartoonish that it has reduced itself to investigating parade floats, while letting the federal agencies who bully innocent civilians off the hook.

Slow clap.

Fingers Malloy is the host of The Snark Factor on FTR Radio (FTRRadio.com).

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