- - Tuesday, February 17, 2015

I’m someone who has been accused of being a “purist” because I think we should actually stand for the stuff in our party platform maybe once or twice between sightings of Halley’s Comet. That means I’m often criticized for helping Democrats win by pointing out Republican fecklessness and failures.

I have no idea how expecting Republicans to stop the Democrats’ ideas and policies we claim to oppose is considered more of a problem than Republicans hypocritically implementing those same Democratic ideas and policies. Probably just my unreasonably high standards talking again.

Anyhoo, being aligned with such a surrender caucus gives you a front-row seat to snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Those guys know losing like I know my wife — carnally. With that in mind, I am confident the Republicans should continue doing the following things if they want Hillary Clinton to be the next president:

1. Join the ranks of the “Anybody but Hillary” Walking Dead.

If your goal is to prove to everybody you’re not a critical thinker, this mantra is for you.

Zombies eat brains but humans use theirs (allegedly). So let’s try that, shall we? You mean to tell me “anybody but Hillary” is your standard? Really? How about Pol Pot then? OK, he assumed room temperature a while ago, as has the IQs of those repeating this nonsense, but Kim Jong-Un is still alive and kicking over in North Korea. How about him then? How about Barack Obama while we’re at it, since his name isn’t Hillary Clinton, either? Just thinking out loud here, but might it be possible for us to raise our standard just a little bit higher than a more lucid version of Debbie Wasserman Schultz?

Making your standard “anybody but Hillary” is a sure way to make sure the 2016 Republican nominee will not be properly vetted on the issues, nor battle-tested for what is to come. You know who loves this tripe? The GOP candidates who are terrible on our issues and plan to battle us instead of Hillary once in office.

2. Become a Groupie.

Even if we deported every Marxist from our government to Canada (don’t send them to Mexico, because they’d just return as an illegal alien), we’d still have the groupies to sink what’s left of Western Civilization.

Social media is a platform for the self-empowerment of the groupie. No longer are these lemmings found backstage cozying up to the object of their unbridled affection, but now they’re littering your newsfeeds and timelines.

They are the ones who think their candidate is the “only one” who has principles, has read the U.S. Constitution, can split the atom with his bare hands, or maybe even knows who let the dogs out. And because it goes without saying that pinning all one’s hopes on any fallible human being is a fool’s errand, the groupie will blame you for pointing out their idol’s shortcomings once they’re brought to light.

Sometimes the groupie becomes so emotionally dependent on their political host they start saying things like “he doesn’t really mean that, but he’s just saying it to play the game” as a rationalization for their idol’s latest betrayal.

Hackneyed politicians couldn’t survive without such groupies. They are the wind beneath their wretched wings, playing the role of fan boy and human shield in exchange for unrequited love. Meanwhile, the republic burns — usually at the hands of the ones the groupies have slobbered all over.

3. Make sure to introduce all your social media friends/followers to every liberal media troll they probably hadn’t heard of until now.

Because nobody elevates the stature of and is influenced by the lamestream media more than we are. How self-loathing are we? Let us count the ways.

I’m convinced the only time anyone not already a card-carrying member of the Communist Party actually watches MSNBC’s “Reverend Al,” or whatever is on CNN at night (I honestly have no idea), is when we tune in and then react to it. How much of Melissa Harris-Perry’s Twitter following comes from conservatives just waiting to lose it over the next fecal droppings she thinks up?

On one hand, we complain about “low-information voters,” yet then we claim the liberal media holds all this sway at the same time? If that’s the case, then why do so many people not even know that Joe Biden is vice president? Granted, Mr. Biden also doesn’t know he’s vice president, so that might not be the best example. But you get what I’m saying.

If you think there’s a chance a dude is smoother than you, don’t introduce him to your girlfriend. If you think there’s a woman who might be prettier than you, don’t show her picture to your husband. If you want people to drink Coke, why do you post about how bad Pepsi is all the time? Most people are tempted by the forbidden fruit, so if you keep showing it to them they’re liable to sample it.

But if you don’t want a fire to spread you deny it air. And if a tree falls in the forest and nobody heard it, did it really happen anyway? Just because Brian Williams claims he was there and witnessed the whole thing doesn’t make it so.

The bad news is most Americans aren’t even aware of the two sides of the debate here. The good news is many of them will vote anyway. That means when you’ve got a captive audience to sell your product, spend at least as much time promoting it as you spend responding to your competitor’s trolls.

4. Treat parody sites as actual news.

Not a day goes by when a fellow conservative doesn’t send me some sensational headline from a parody site as if it’s true. You’d think with a real, live Marxist in the White House we wouldn’t have to make stuff up, but apparently we do.

I think the phony headline about U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts issuing an arrest warrant for Mr. Obama has been sent to me like 1,345,619 times now. Or that’s how many episodes of “Full House” my kids have made me watch. Either way, there’s a better chance Dave “Uncle Joey” Coulier will get back together with Alanis Morissette than your friends will trust your political opinions after you’ve proven yourself to be so easily duped.

“You outta know”… better. So here’s your sign … err … your Obama phone, and your one-way ticket to Kenya.

5. Nominate Jeb Bush

Doesn’t energize the base? Check. A blue-blooded corporatist loathed by the middle class? Check. Has all the charisma of John Kerry pre-facelift? Check.

Hey, does anybody know if there’s any precedent for what happens when we nominate this kind of candidate? I’m asking for a friend.

(Steve Deace is a nationally syndicated talk-show host and also the author of the new book “Rules for Patriots: How Conservatives Can Win Again.” You can “like” him on Facebook or follow him on Twitter @SteveDeaceShow.)

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