- - Friday, February 20, 2015

ANALYSIS/OPINION:

Vice President Joe Biden has had a busy couple of weeks. Channeling his inner Ted Kennedy, ole Joe got a little too handsy with Stephanie Carter, the wife of incoming Secretary of Defense, Ash Carter. He slid behind her, grabbed her shoulders and pressed his face against the side of her head. If I didn’t know better (and I don’t), I’d swear he’s sniffing her hair. Or perhaps he was just innocently whispering the gate code for Number One Observatory Circle into her ear.

In any other world, this man would be a walking, talking, sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.

Fellas, conduct this experiment — go to work tomorrow and creep up behind a female coworker, then grab her shoulders and press your face against her head. See how that works for you. You’ll be in Human Resources faster than you can say “butt buddy.”

Speaking of butt buddy, last week during a speech in Iowa, the vice president said something very vice presidential (if you are Joe Biden):

“Neil Smith, an old butt buddy. Are you here, Neil? Neil, I miss you man. I miss you.”

I guess he learned his lesson and didn’t ask Neil to stand up. You never know if the person you are asking to stand up… actually can. But (not butt), are we really setting the bar too high when we expect our Vice President never to employ the term “butt buddy”?

These are just two examples, in less than seven days, of Mr. Biden’s often bizarre behavior and offensive oratory that have been tolerated for far too long. Tales of offending female secret service agents, skinny dipping, getting way too handsy with underaged girls at the Senate swearing-in ceremony and bawdy behavior with biker babes, are all too common for this vice president.

He’s the bad touch uncle none of us ever wanted. Instead of condemning his behavior, and demanding that he participate in a week long sexual harassment seminar, the media seem to find him charming. The liberal ladies over at Wonkette have dubbed him “Old Handsome Joe” and defend him to the hilt any time he puts his paws on a pre-teen, “Joe’s just being Joe.”

The “Joe’s just being Joe” line also comes in handy when everyone’s favorite gaffe machine spits out more moronic mumbles. If Imodium came out with a cure for verbal diarrhea, they’d be banging down Biden’s door to get permission to use his likeness on the packaging.

The media will never hold him to the same standards of chronic mis-speller Dan Quayle, because say it with me, he’s a Democrat, and science has shown that Democrats are smarter than Republicans.

For all of you deniers out there, I put together this little quiz to prove once and for all how brilliant Joe Biden truly is.

Who made the following statements — Family Guy patriarch Peter Griffin, The Simpson’s own Homer Simpson or our Vice President, Joe Biden?

“Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. Forfty percent of people know that.

A.  Peter Griffin

B.  Homer Simpson

C.  Joe Biden

“Do you know the website number? I should have it in front of me and I don’t. I’m actually embarrassed.

A.  Peter Griffin

B.  Homer Simpson

C.  Joe Biden

“To start, press any key. Where’s the any key?”

A.  Peter Griffin

B.  Homer Simpson

C.  Joe Biden

“A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, bam! Herpes.”

A.  Peter Griffin

B.  Homer Simpson

C.  Joe Biden

“His mom lived in Long Island for ten year or so. God rest her soul. And although… she’s… wait… your mom’s still… your mom’s still alive? Your dad passed? God rest her soul.”

A.  Peter Griffin

B.  Homer Simpson

C.  Joe Biden

“What am I supposed to do with all of my ideas? Put ‘em in a tub and clean myself with them? That’s what soap is for.”

A.  Peter Griffin

B. Homer Simpson

C.  Joe Biden

“You cannot go into a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking.”

A.  Peter Griffin

B.  Homer Simpson

C.  Joe Biden

Mr. Biden fits right in with Griffin and Simpson because, he too, is a cartoon character. If he were a Republican, his career would have been over long ago. But he can get away with it all.

Because he’s a good liberal… and because of white privilege. Or, something.

Answer key. In order — B,C,B,A,C,A, and C.

Fingers Malloy hosts “The Snark Factor” radio program on FTR Radio.

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