The Donald Trump Derangement Syndrome treatment facilities simply cannot handle the patient load. By Super Tuesday, there will be no beds left and white people wearing Brooks Brothers suits and tassel loafers will be wandering the streets of New York and D.C. with bloodshot eyes.
By the time of the conventions this summer, these sons and daughters of the Republican establishment — along with the media mavens who serve them — will still be wandering the streets in the same, tattered clothes. They will stare with zombie eyes and their clipped and manicured nails will have grown into claws.
They will mumble to themselves. “Donald Trump? But he’s a reality star buffoon!” “Jeb! is the answer!” “They don’t really want a wall!”
When National Review magazine last month published its special “Against Trump” issue, another leading conservative magazine, The Weekly Standard, added to the alarm over the vulgarians at the gate. The cover depicted Mr. Trump as King Kong atop Trump Tower, gripping Hillary Clinton in one hand and swatting and crushing planes with the other.
Most people around here saw the cover and understood the depiction of Mr. Trump as a giant gorilla wreaking havoc as some kind of negative depiction. But for people sympathetic to Mr. Trump and the legions of voters who are attracted to his message and tone — people who, frankly, do not read either magazine — they would have viewed the depiction as wonderfully accurate and true. Mr. Trump could very well use the cover as his campaign logo.
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“Yes!” his supporters would say. “That is what we want! We want a giant, orange-haired gorilla who is not one of the government experts and owes nothing to nobody to go charging into Washington and turn the place upside down! Si se puede!”
In the first three contests of the Republican primary, Mr. Trump’s strategy has borne great fruit. In a way, he has even been a victim of his own monstrous success.
Because he has been on such a wicked streak of winning in the polls, he got very little credit for his stunning second-place finish in the notoriously thorny Iowa caucuses. For the same reason, he got very little credit for his stout victories in New Hampshire and South Carolina.
Now his punching bag Jeb! Bush is gone and the establishment is all clamoring on the only floating life raft left, the USS Marco Rubio. But it is tiny craft and it is always taking on water. So much water that at the beginning of the race Mr. Trump actually sent Mr. Rubio a case of Trump Water.
After the last flickers of the Bush Dynasty finally went out over the weekend, a Bush strategist was quoted saying, “Our theory was to dominate the establishment lane into the actual voting primaries. That was the strategy and it did not work.”
Um, no. Correct. Copy that. Did not work.
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Still reeling in disbelief, the very establishment Washington Post dispatched a reporter in search of Trump supporters in Washington.
NEWS FLASH: There aren’t any. Actually, the reporter did manage to find a few in the very belly of the beast. But they either refused to speak to the reporter or spoke only on the condition that they not be actually named in the newspaper.
A wing of the Donald Trump Derangement Syndrome treatment center will surely be named for The Washington Post.
• Charles Hurt can be reached at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter at @charleshurt.