Beware the latest nasty virus sweeping the East Coast, particularly the most elite citadels of New York City and Washington, D.C.
It is a fast-moving, highly contagious disease that attacks the nervous system. Early stages include inexplicable, fast eye-blinking, light palsy, stammering and overbearing snobbery. Sometimes redness of the face and shortness of breath accompany.
Later stages include total delusion, dementia, an inability to think clearly and, ultimately, a madness that cannot be contained.
Basic rule of thumb is that if you are blinking and twitching like Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus, Inspector Jacques Clouseau’s boss in The Pink Panther, then it is still early and there is still hope.
In final stages, patients are often found wild-eyed, naked, frothing at mouth and writhing on the floor. This behavior has been likened to that of Antonio Salieri in the final scenes of “Amadeus.”
Researchers have yet to arrive at a scientific name for the debilitating disease, but it is generally referred to as Donald Trump Derangement Syndrome (DTDS). It is found in its most virulent and contagious strain among media and punditry circles and top ranks of Republican Party leaders.
While researchers are still confounded about almost everything about DTDS, they do believe that early detection could be vital. Here are symptoms and remedies they recommend:
The disease-stricken often say things like, “He is Hitler!”
It is best to calmly explain to the person that Adolph Hitler exterminated six million Jews. Mr. Trump has not. Also, advise the patient to read “Mein Kampf,” and then read “Art of the Deal.”
Some victims, it is found, take the extermination of six million Jews more seriously and, instead, compare Mr. Trump to “Mussolini,” kind of a Hilter lite. Sometimes in their hallucinations, people suffering DTDS see a similarity in the ways both men purse their lips and speak.
Best remedy is to explain that Benito Mussolini was Hitler’s stooge and, to date, it is safe to say Donald Trump has never been anybody’s stooge.
Another symptom has people in hysterics over how “vulgar” Donald Trump is and talking about how he lacks the virtue and morals to be president.
Recommended remedy is to explain to victim how Lyndon Baines Johnson used to force reporters and staffers to join him in the bathroom to conduct business while he took care of his own business in front of them.
Or have them read the memoir detailing how John F. Kennedy took the virginity of a teenage intern within minutes of meeting her while she was touring the White House.
It is advised not to get into the known exploits of Bill Clinton because, well, they are just so disgusting that it could trigger other complicating illnesses, such as vomiting.
A startling recent symptom has one member of Congress demanding to know whether Donald Trump has repented for past sins. The best remedy for this is to remind members of Congress they are not preachers and that ordering people into the confessional booth is both very creepy and unconstitutional and totally violates the separation of church and state in America.
Some victims of DTDS are found agonizing over how Donald Trump threatens to destroy the Constitution.
It is best to advise these people that Donald Trump is the most litigious person ever to run for president and that the very foundation of litigiousness is the Constitution. He probably reveres the Constitution more highly than anybody suffering from DTDS.
Sadly, researchers do not have the slightest hope of a cure for those in advanced stages of the disease. The only known Hail Mary prescriptions have been to either send victims to Syria as DTDS refugees or allow them to sneak across the Mexican border before the Trump Wall and Casino is built.
Scientists, meanwhile, are hurriedly developing an 8-year, slow-release Ambien that can be taken now so that the patient wakes up in the final months of the Trump administration, once America has been Made Great Again.
• Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter via @charleshurt.