- - Wednesday, July 27, 2016


PHILADELPHIA — He might be long in the tooth, sallow in the face and his finger wag might have a bit more of an uncontrolled tremble to it, but boy does Bill Clinton still have that old drive.

With a bleary twinkle in his eye, the former president and world’s most dangerous minder of young White House interns still gets lusty just thinking about chasing skirt.

“First time I saw her, we were, appropriately enough, in class,” he rasped Tuesday night at the Democratic National Convention. I half expected the band to kick up a version of “Centerfold” by J. Geils Band or Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher.”

That is when Bill Clinton is at his most entertaining: talking about his weakness for the flesh.

Remember when that 500-year-old frozen Inca mummy was discovered in Peru and was shipped for safekeeping in Washington, D.C., not far from the randiest residence?

“You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out,” President Clinton said upon inspecting the 12-to-14-year-old girl who was apparently killed in a sacrifice to the gods.

“That’s a good-looking mummy,” he said of the wrapped child, who was named “Juanita.”

In retrospect, however, that story is less amusing since one of the many women who have come out to accuse the ex-president of groping, harassing, molesting or raping them is named Juanita Broaddrick.

Anyway, he didn’t get into all of that during his big speech Tuesday night. He was just reminiscing about doing some harmless window-shopping for the ladies back in 1971.

That was back when he drove an El Camino, the back of which he had lined with Astroturf. “You don’t want to know why, but I did,” he explained with a sly grin while touring a truck plant in 1994. Being president and all, the comment caused a controversy.

Later, he would accuse people of having dirty minds for thinking that he had put down the Astroturf for “dating” purposes.

Anyway, he didn’t go into any more detail about that either on Tuesday night, but it sure was hard not to think about it as he reveled in his glory days as an Arkansas leg hound.

“She had thick blond hair,” he said. “Big glasses, wore no makeup.” He wet his lips. You could almost hear the pace of his heart quicken a little.

“After the class, I followed her out, intending to introduce myself. I got close enough to touch her back. But I couldn’t do it.”

We were left to assume that it wasn’t until later that he would really take it to the next level. Maybe he just wasn’t quite the Big Dog back then. He needed to get a little more confidence in his own prowess.

“Somehow I knew this would not be just another tap on the shoulder, that I might be starting something I couldn’t stop,” he said hoarsely.

He sounded almost tortured, the way a serial killer does before he gains the courage to act out on his impulses. Anyway, we do know that — eventually — this hesitance to touch would cease to be a problem for him.

Charles Hurt can be reached at [email protected]; follow him on Twitter via @charleshurt.

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