- The Washington Times - Thursday, March 8, 2018

It’s one thing to want takeout, or delivery, in order to ease the burdens of a time-crunched family and break up what’s become in this modern-day society the drudgery of cooking for one’s kids — or, in the case of the month of March, in order to have dinner at the ready without having to take a time-out from basketball madness.

But Pizza Hut’s Pie Tops II takes this convenience to a new level. To a new level of American indulgence and laziness, to put it bluntly.

Pie Tops II is a custom sneaker that allows wearers to push a button on the tongue and voila, a pizza comes to right where you’re standing. Users have to download a special app, of course. But the concept is this: Don’t move. Here comes the food. American ingenuity at its finest? Or American sloth on showcase?

You decide.

But why the II, you ask?

Right. Pie Tops II is the morphing of last year’s Pie Tops, and unlike the outdated version, this new March Madness gimmick also allows wearers to — get this — pause the television during the actual pizza delivery process.

You heard it right. You know those maddening six or seven seconds it usually takes to find the remote to pause the television to pay the pizza guy who’s standing at the door? Well, perish that thought. Inconvenience, be gone. This year’s “Pie Tops” includes a second button that allows the wearer, with a simple reach-down and push of the finger, to pause the TV.

It’s a matter of six seconds versus two.

You can see where Pizza Hut’s going with this. Word is the company’s already working on a push-button hat that hooks under the chin to speed the chewing process.

Just kidding. But why not?

Pizza Hut’s chief marketing officer Zipporah Allen said in a written statement, “This year, the Pie Tops II were created to showcase our focus on giving customers the best delivery experience while making sure that tournament fans can feed their pizza craving without missing a moment of the action. … We don’t want anyone to miss a play while answering the door to get their pizza.”

Only in America, yes?

It’s still not clear, though, that in this case, if that’s a good thing. 

Cheryl Chumley can be reached at cchumley@washingtontimes.com or on Twitter, @ckchumley.

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