Imagine if Santa were a socialist.
Everyone would get the same thing for Christmas. There would not be any creative or handmade gifts. Each would be a bland, standard-issue, non-offensive, gender-neutral gift designed by a bureaucrat in the North Pole.
In fact, Santa would no longer be male and most likely would be gender-neutral. All references to him or his in the stories about Santa would be removed so as not to offend anyone. No more white hair and beard as Santa would not want to be confused with a boomer.
Gifts would be given regardless of whether someone was naughty or nice. There would be no regard for Christmas Spirit or work ethic. It would not matter if you believe in Santa Claus or not, everyone would receive the same gift.
And about half of us would be paying for everyone else’s gifts. Forget about charity. Santa would have a comfy government job and many of us would pay much higher taxes to cover the costs of all of the gifts given out each year.
If Santa were a socialist, he would get around to delivering gifts about as fast as most socialist nations get around to providing essential government services — which means you’d probably get your presents some time next summer. Clearly, he and his helpers would not be working on a holiday — even at time-and-a-half — and certainly not if it wasn’t spelled out in their contract. So you can kiss Christmas Eve goodbye.
Santa’s helpers would be called vertically challenged and uniquely eared. All references to “elves” would be branded as insensitive. Those who used that language would be shunned.
Rudolph and the other reindeer would be banned over the next decade under the socialist Green New Deal. Like cows, they pass gas, and the democratic socialists’ plan would eliminate all of these animals who flatulate.
While they’re at it, they would likely get rid of Santa’s sleigh, too. Without reindeer, it would require jet fuel and that’s a no-no under the Green New Deal. Instead, people would only receive gifts if they lived on a light rail line (kind of hard to get one out of the North Pole and across the Arctic Ocean).
Getting into homes to deliver presents would also be tougher as chimneys would be banned under a socialist Santa. No fossil fuels or wood cut from trees could be burned. Christmas lights would be banned as well because they use too much electricity.
If Santa were a socialist, he’d probably be quite a bit smaller. In Venezuela, the average citizen lost 20 pounds due to malnutrition and deprivation. The Big Guy in the red suit will likely need a slimmer outfit in the future.
Christmas trees would be called holiday trees — or just trees. And people could not put them in their homes because that would require them to be cut down. Christmas songs would be banned as most, directly or indirectly, celebrate the birth of Christ which is not politically correct.
“He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” will have a new meaning in a socialist society. Watch for Santa’s helpers to use high-level surveillance equipment to track potential opposition. The government will watch what we do, where we go and even try to regulate what we think under socialism.
References to the Easter Bunny, Uncle Sam and the Tooth Fairy will be wiped out if Santa were a socialist. He wants no other competition as the most beloved mythical creature in the world. Instead of winning fair and square, he would eliminate the competition and concentrate his power over the masses.
In fact, if Santa were a socialist, his helpers would be working in a socialist system. Incentives to work hard and increase production would be eliminated, so the nearly impossible task of making toys for all of the children around the world would probably no longer be attainable. Eventually, Santa may choose to ration presents — just like health care in socialist countries.
Speaking of health care, Santa might not be able to deliver Christmas gifts if he were a socialist. If he got sick, he’d still be waiting to see the doctor under government-run health care. Like 180 million others, he would have lost his private health care plan under the so-called Medicare for All. And like people in socialist countries do today, he would have to wait much longer for health care and, considering his age, he might not even be eligible to receive medical attention for certain ailments.
Worst of all, if Santa were a socialist, there would be no more “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night,” since the greeting Merry Christmas would be banned for being too exclusive. Thankfully, Santa is not a socialist, so I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year filled with more freedom!
• Scott Walker was the 45th governor of Wisconsin. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him @ScottWalker.