Who said Joe Biden can’t woo the youth vote?
There he is, standing behind a little girl, rubbing her shoulders. A little too long.
And there, appearing to slow dance, eyes closed, from behind. For the official swearing-in picture.
Now there he is, canoodling a small child, before she gently withdraws and wiggles to the side. Away from Joe.
Can’t say he doesn’t work hard for it.
And then there he is, leaning down to her level, again from behind. He buries his snout into her light golden locks and draws in a deep sniff. She looks back, more stricken with “ick” than fear.
Rock the vote, baby!
Perhaps no candidate in the history of presidential elections has spent as many decades as former Vice President Joe Biden has spent angling to become president. Certainly no candidate has spent more time trying to reach young voters. To rub them and smell their necks and nuzzle their ears and swoon with them deeply.
Truly, Joe Biden would like to invite the entire Youth Vote of America back to his place for a giant squirt gun fight around his swimming pool. He will even offer to give you a ride in his little red Corvette.
Rock the vote, baby!
Which brings us to the “No Malarkey!” bus tour Joe Biden just embarked on in Iowa. Or as the kids like to say, IKR — NM!
I know, right? No Malarkey!
Or, YANMM. No Malarkey! You are NOT malarkeying me!
Mr. Biden’s reputation for not malarkeying people is so strong that just as he kicked off his No Malarkey! bus tour, an old video surfaced revealing just how unmalarkied Ol’ Joe can be.
“And by the way,” he says in the 2017 clip, referring to his time as a lifeguard back in Delaware.
“I sit on the stand and it gets hot.” Then things turn weird. And strangely personal.
“I got hairy legs that turned — that, that, that — turned blond in the sun,” he stutters. “And the kids used to come up and reach into the pool and rub my leg down so it was straight and watch the hair come back up again and look at it.”
Got it? See, this is how Mr. Biden energizes the youth vote. Really rock the vote out there. From there, Mr. Biden — perhaps mercifully — went entirely incomprehensible.
“So I learned about roaches and I learned about kids jumping on my lap and I loved kids jumping on my lap.”
Dear Lord, deliver us. All of that is a painfully exact quote.
Someone, it appears, has woven Mr. Biden’s hair plugs a little too tight.
• Contact Charles Hurt at email@example.com or on Twitter @charleshurt.