- - Thursday, January 16, 2020

Over last few weeks and months, we’ve witnessed the rise of multiple major protests around the globe.

In Hong Kong, protesters marched in the streets to stop the oppressive Chinese government from squashing their democracy and freedom by extraditing them to the mainland — and a few thousand miles away, protesters in Iran now march in the streets to overturn their oppressive government who no one believes accidentally shot down Ukraine International Airlines flight 752.

If these were protests of the American government, the protesters would calmly show up in the morning, compare signs, set up merch tables to sell commemorative merchandise for their protest, and calmly post about it on social media.

If not enough people showed up, but the protest had a good public relations team, there would be high-quality angled photos to make it appear as if thousands, instead of a few dozen people were in attendance — and about that attendance problem — if you can’t get enough people to your protest, that’s because you didn’t book the right celebrities to attend. 

A good American protest will inevitably involve the star of some woke project in Hollywood. Amy Schumer, Lena Dunham, and Alyssa Milano are easy gets for most protests, so you can start there. Maybe add a musical performance from Cher or Madonna – but make sure in both instances that your staging area and tech are up to par. 

Once you’re finished booking traditional celebrities, you’re going to your protest celebrities – you know the kids that you fly in first class (or train/yacht in first class if it’s an environmental protest) and you’ll need to pay for their public relations team and writers to bring about the perfect look and feel for your cause. 

Oh and as an American protester, you can’t just have this star power show up and fit in with the hoi polloi — you’re going to need to spend about $200,000 for a solid stage and tech crew in order to accommodate your celebrities — and maybe another $100,000 for the green room, catering and security to keep them safe. Oh, and don’t forget the additional portable cell towers so that your pre-determined hashtag doesn’t get drowned out by a large crowd.That’s going to run you another $75,000.

One last thing, you’re going to need a second set of security to go after the bootleg merch stands that I mentioned two paragraphs ago. We can’t have them taking profit away from you, can we? You could keep going for a while…

The Hong Kong protesters and Iranian protesters don’t have any of those luxuries — heck, they don’t even have celebrity support. And what are they fighting for?  Their actual freedom. The American left claims that some demographic or another is being suppressed all the time. My hyperbole above is a play on The Women’s March and the March for Science, the protests to stop women and science from losing … rights?  I’m not sure what those rights were — they seemed more like two generic anti-Trump protests.

In each of these American protests, the organizers scared the progressive marchers to expect violence and blowback from their political opponents, which would be true if the elderly counter-protesters did anything other than hold American flags and wear MAGA hats. In Iran and Hong Kong, there were actual bullets fired at the protestors and large amounts were actually murdered. They didn’t need to be told a fable to scare them, they showed up knowing the actual risk.

At different times in Iran and Hong Kong, communication services were cut off for the marchers so they couldn’t reach the outside world, the media was run out of area and surely there were no free concerts. 

When arrests happened, the protesters had no choice, they were slammed to the ground and thrown in police vehicles — some never to be seen again.  When Amy Schumer was arrested, the Capitol Hill police asked her nicely a few times if she wanted to be arrested or calmly move out of the area where she was.  She agreed to be arrested and she was handled gingerly, booked and released nearly immediately upon paying a $50 or less fine — this is the standard treatment of American protesters who are arrested. 

American protesters and the American left have to pretend to be victims, when they have no comprehension of oppression. 

Iranians and citizens of Hong Kong live in fear and are willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice for their cause — meanwhile in America, the most the left sacrifices in their protests of essentially nothing is a bit of sleep when they get up an hour earlier than normal to stop by Starbucks, get their grande caramel macchiato, some gluten-free snacks, and a good spot by the stage so that they can maybe be seen by their other woke friends on C-SPAN 2. They just have no concept of how good they’ve got it.

• Tim Young is a political comedian and author of “I Hate Democrats/I Hate Republicans” (Post Hill Press). He is co-host of The Washington Times podcast “The Right Opinion.”

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