The Olympic Mental Games in Tokyo have sadly come to a merciful end. Those still seeking “closure,” however, probably did not find it in Sunday’s closing ceremony.
But they sure got entertained!
Former figure skating ballerino Johnny Weir broadcast the event wearing a giant, glittering hair barrette nestled in a reverse, forward mullet that looked alarmingly like an angry muskrat caught in a steel trap. It was, to be sure, worth the price of admission.
Trump election lawyer Jenna Ellis, however, was not pleased, according to the website Twitter.
“Bring back the days when boys cared about growing up to be actual men,” she fumed. “Biblical masculinity over woke fragility.”
Ms. Ellis’ trigger equally triggered Mr. Weir.
“The man I’ve grown into is a human that embraces the strength of the man & woman who raised me to be myself,” he fired back.
“If you feel squashed by the boot of someone else’s beliefs, remember you are free to live your life the way YOU believe. Also, religion isn’t an excuse for hate.”
Nothing upsets me more than when you have carefully layered six pools of butter in your tub of popcorn, and you hit one of those dry spots right when the movie gets good.
Do you stop eating and wait till things slow down before running back to the lobby for more butter? Or do you just plow on through to the next layer of soggy popcorn?
Nobody said life would be easy.
Anyway, it was a fitting end to the looniest Olympic Mental Games in history.
The whole thing started when American athlete Gwen Berry triggered herself by winning third place in the hammer-throwing contest during qualification trials. Standing on the dais, Olympic organizers disrespectfully began playing the American national anthem, which was racist.
Ms. Berry apparently looked down and suddenly realized she was wearing a uniform that said, literally, “U-S-A” and flipped out. She turned her back, held up some protest shirt, and pouted until the hateful music stopped.
It was her first and only recognition in this year’s mental games.
Then, rockstar gymnast Simone Biles got the “twisties” and had to quit her team. She would later win a bronze medal anyway.
Olympians continued their ongoing assault on science and biology in other events — specifically, the “War on Women.” Or, simply “WoW!” as New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo calls the young ones.
A scientifically male weightlifter from New Zealand named “Laurel Hubbard” became the first athlete allowed to switch teams to compete against women weightlifters.
He still lost.
A Canadian soccer player named “Quinn” — a scientific female formerly known as “Rebecca Quinn” — declared herself a male, but for some reason, decided to remain on the women’s soccer team to compete against other women’s soccer teams.
Sincere question: Why don’t any of these people ever switch genders to compete against scientific males, who are stronger and faster than females? Why do these athletes always switch teams to play against girls?
As a proud American, it was nice to see athletes from New Zealand and Canada compete with us in this year’s Mental Games for the Gold in the Bat-Brained Crazy Competition. Once renowned as the exporter of Levi’s jeans, Coca-Cola, and freedom, America has become a laughingstock.
No one is more ill-served than the actual great athletes who devote their entire lives to actual accomplishment and triumph in the Olympics.
After the men’s relay track team failed even to qualify because they could not pass the baton properly, one of the world’s greatest athletes of all time weighed in.
“The USA team did everything wrong in the men’s relay,” said track icon Carl Lewis. “The passing system is wrong, athletes running the wrong legs, and it was clear that there was no leadership. It was a total embarrassment and completely unacceptable.”
But, boy, did they rack up the wins in the War on Women!
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor of The Washington Times.