America, you’ve got SPAM. But in President Joe Biden’s America, you better lock it up!
It’s so bad out here that Mr. Biden broke the Misery Index, the economic indicator that has been used since 1948 to measure how miserable people are in any given country. It calculates a combination of the unemployment rate and inflation data.
In the modern political world, however, both the inflation rate and the unemployment rate have been distorted to conceal how terribly the federal government mismanages the economy. The Consumer Price Index has been thoroughly molested to hide true inflation and the unemployment rate does not calculate hopeless Americans who have simply given up on the American dream and quit looking for work.
Under Mr. Biden, things are even worse. The inflation rate cannot even keep up with rising gas prices and explosive government spending. Now the federal government is dropping the hammer on working Americans by raising interest rates so that you cannot buy a new home — or sell your old one. Meanwhile, businesses are shuttering because they cannot compete with a federal government that pays so many people not to work.
The only thing “rebounding” under Mr. Biden is his COVID-19 infection.
So while the Misery Index began spiking the moment Mr. Biden took office, even it cannot keep track of the true misery in America today. Also: crime.
And the Biden administration’s top priority these days is redefining the word “recession” — just like they redefine anything that doesn’t suit them. “Women” are “birthing persons,” and “Hispanics” are “tacos.”
But, hey, they are not biologists. Nor are they economists.
Thank God, however, there is SPAM — America’s favorite canned meat product in the iconic blue tins with yellow lettering and a long shelf-life. At $3.99 a can, it has become the life raft for starving, desperate Americans.
But even at $3.99, it’s an out-of-reach luxury in Biden’s America.
“Crime and inflation are so rampant, an NYC store is locking up canned meat,” reports the New York Post.
The store at the Port Authority Bus Terminal has been forced to lock up cans of processed meat in large theft-proof plastic cages. Already under lock and key at stores in America’s biggest city (which is run entirely by Democrats) are razors, toothpaste and basically any item that can be sold for cheap on the street corner.
Don’t even ask for laundry detergent. Though that is curious because the one thing you don’t smell walking around New York City these days is “laundry detergent.”
Shoppers were outraged about the locked-up SPAM.
“To put SPAM in a cage is stupid — and kind of insulting to the customers,” said one shopper who disputed the theory that thieves were stealing the cans of SPAM in order to “sell it for crack,” according to the Post.
Said another shopper: “Someone is stealing this because they need it.”
So, yes, canned SPAM under lock and key is the new Misery Index.
Former President Jimmy Carter, meanwhile, is just shaking his head, marveling at all the ways Mr. Biden has invented to inspire even more misery and malaise than his considerable abilities could think up.
Luckily, the current SPAM administration has the perfect man to solve all your shackled SPAM problems: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, who somehow managed to break the supply chain while out on paternity leave.
You can’t afford to pay for a can of SPAM? Then go buy a Tesla you poor, stupid losers.
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at The Washington Times.