- The Washington Times - Monday, August 29, 2022

Brandon the Unifier strikes again!

When the Marvel comic book hero with aviator glasses and laser eyes isn’t tripping up the stairs to Air Force One — powered, of course, by a flying team of non-farting, zero-emission unicorns — Brandon is speaking to humans, preferably over Zoom. When he speaks to humans in person, he tends to glitch, sputter and offer to shake hands with his invisible friends who are also comic book heroes.

His friends’ magical power is that they are invisible. Brandon’s magical power is that he is blind. And incoherent. And cannot walk up the stairs. Yet, somehow always manages to stumble upwards — as he has his entire political career. For 50 years, the magical oaf has fallen upwards all the way into the White House.

And who doesn’t believe in God? And who says God does not have one seriously wicked sense of humor?

Overheard in heaven, circa 2020:

Jesus: Hey, Dad, remember that time you let Jimmy Carter be President of the United States?

God: Of course, son. Who could forget that?

Jesus: That was hilarious. Remember all those gas lines and that ridiculous sweater he wore? Leader of the free world. A peanut farmer!

God: Well, at least he was a big fan.

Jesus: Yessir. But remember when he “confessed” to the world that he had lust in his heart? And then those rabbits went after him? 

God: Yes, that was embarrassing. And I left strict instructions that man was in charge of the animals. But rabbits?

Jesus: What a clown show. But, seriously, Dad, Jimmy Carter was your funniest prank ever.

God: Hold my beer, son. Watch this.

Moments later, President Joe Biden stumbled into the White House, knocked over a fern and tripped on the plush, golden rug left by his predecessor in the Oval Office. Somehow, Mr. Biden magically got more votes than former President Barack Obama in a handful of key districts of predominantly African-American voters. Okaaaaaaay.

It was the Immaculate Election.

Anyway, Brandon the Unifier hitched up the fartless Unicorns last week and flew somewhere to speak to humans. In his speech, he angrily predicted the “death knell” of American voters who supported his opponent in the last election. His opponent whom he very well may face again in the next election.

Now it is a pretty safe bet that God seriously does not care about partisan politics in America. Obviously. I mean, Jimmy Carter. Joe Biden. The next time God asks Jesus to hold his beer he will send us a guy named Peter Buttigieg.

But it is definitely a sin for Mr. Biden to issue withering damnation upon 70 million Americans he supposedly works for.

“What we’re seeing now is the beginning or the death knell of an extreme MAGA philosophy,” Mr. Biden said. “It’s not just Trump — it’s the entire philosophy that underpins — it’s — I’m going to say something — it’s almost like semi-fascism, in the way it deals….”

In fairness to Mr. Biden, nobody actually has the slightest clue what he is talking about. Not even Mr. Biden.

Jesus: Oh, me, did you hear Joe Biden?

God: “Oh, me” is right. This is worse than that time I punked those people for building that Tower of Babel.

Now Brandon the Unifier is calling voters “semi-fascists.” Even as he uses his Department of Justice to raid the private residence of his chief political opponent.

Democrats really are eager to talk about any topic and say anything to avoid discussing the issues that actually matter to American voters: Gas prices, inflation, open borders and crime. So Brandon the Unifier turns the Justice Department into an armed junta, hires 87,000 tax collectors and calls the American people Nazis.

Jesus: Really, Dad? You made me die for these morons?

God: They need all the help they can get.

Jesus: Yeah, but on a cross?

God: It made a lot more sense 2,000 years ago. When I kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden and invented free will, I never dreamed they would come up with someone as stupid as Brandon the Unifier.

Jesus: Oh me, this really is going to take all of eternity to straighten out.

• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at the Washington Times.

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