- The Washington Times - Thursday, June 16, 2022

You know things are bad in America when 20 million people would rather watch another hysterical congressional hearing on former President Donald Trump than focus on all the misery in their lives.

Americans voted for President Biden in hopes he would act normal and calm the political storms of Washington. Instead, he and his fellow Democrats have done everything in their absolute power to amp up the political rage out of Washington. 

And Mr. Biden ushered in record gas prices, an unchecked border invasion, skyrocketing inflation and an explosion of violent crime — including a plot to assassinate a sitting Supreme Court justice.

This has America yearning for the quaint old days of Democrats in perpetual pursuit of Mr. Trump with every fantastical conspiracy theory you could possibly think up.

It was like watching “Tom and Jerry” cartoons where the mouse hides behind the door holding a giant hammer to bonk the cat on the head when he races blindly into the room. With the right music, it is pretty entertaining. 

Like that T-shirt, the kids used to wear: “It’s all fun and games until somebody gets hurt. Then it’s HILARIOUS!”

But don’t expect the stupid media to get any of it. Their worst crime is not all their lies about Mr. Trump, all their colluding with Democrats to make up lies about Mr. Trump, nor all their endless schemes to rig the 2020 election against Mr. Trump. 

The political media’s greatest crime — what makes them truly the enemy of the people — is how unfunny they are. 

We are talking Shakespearean comedy here and these people turn into scolding schoolmarms rapping our knuckles and delivering screeching lectures about “norms” and “democracy.” Like the “norms” of Washington have really been working out for the American people.

And yet it’s the political press who are so miserably unhappy all the time.

This latest “Jan. 6 Committee” tragicomedy is run entirely by court jesters, all of whom are introduced reverentially in whispered tones as “impeachment veterans.” Yes, well, that is true. At this point, everybody is an “impeachment veteran.” Much like Jerry is a “giant hammer veteran.”

But like I said, the alternative is even worse.

So we have the clown court up in the fancy room in the Capitol trotting out witnesses and playing all kinds of video painting the picture of a defeated Mr. Trump on election night as “Apocalypse Now’s” Col. Walter Kurtz, hunkered down deep in the jungles of Vietnam, going mad and refusing to give up his post.

In a normal era, this would be called an election night that was “too close to call.” But this is the Trump era, and we are stuck in an endless Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Luckily, in walks America’s mayor.

Unfortunately, according to Trump staffer Jason Miller, America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani came in completely drunk that night. All the way up the Nung River and into Col. Kurtz’s lair. 

Now, this testimony from Mr. Miller was strange, partly because it was delivered via videoconference into the hearing room. But also because he was wearing a giant face mask with a breathing valve, kind of like the thing that is left on Darth Vader’s face after his helmet is removed at the end of Star Wars.

So while Mr. Miller appeared to testify that Mr. Giuliani came in drunk that night, we did not actually see his lips moving. So it is entirely possible — and believable at this point — that the Jan. 6 committee dubbed fake testimony for Mr. Miller.

But for the sake of the “Tom and Jerry” cartoon, let’s assume it’s all true and America’s drunk mayor walks into the Oval Office and confronts Col. Kurtz and orders him to declare victory! That night! Even though it was “too close to call.”

Now here is the problem. The whole point of being sober is that come late night, you don’t listen to the drunk guy. That would be like having a designated driver who is sober at the end of the night and gives the car keys to the drunkest guy at the party.

Luckily for this cartoon, however, America’s drunk mayor stuck around.

He would later hold a press conference at the “Four Seasons,” which turned out to be a bug extermination clinic instead of the swanky hotel chain because somebody booked the wrong facility. Or maybe looked it up in an outdated Yellow Pages phonebook they found in the back closet.

And then there was the time Mr. Giuliani presided over another hot press conference when he began leaking what appeared to be black cranial fluid from beneath his robust toupee. 

Now, I know what you are thinking. Cranial fluid is clear! America’s drunk mayor was leaking black!

Well, it turns out that cranial fluid is just like motor oil. It goes in fairly clear. But after it gets overworked and it’s time for an oil change, it turns black.

Man, that was a hot November.

By that point, America’s hungover mayor was assuring everyone that he and others had discovered “Kraken” in all the voting machines and “Kraken” had switched everybody’s vote from “Trump” to “Biden” — which doesn’t exactly explain how Mr. Trump got 75 million votes. Now as thoroughly corrupt as the 2020 election was, “Kraken” has still never been found.

As former Fox News Politics Editor Chris Stirewalt drily observed in sworn testimony this week, “You’re better off to play Powerball” than wait around for Kraken.

The committee also called Col. Kurtz’s campaign manager, Bill Stepien, whose wife suddenly and miraculously went into labor just as he was scheduled to testify. Talk about taking one for the team and sticking to your marriage vows. 

Mr. Stepien was confined to previously taped testimony but Mrs. Stepien set a new standard for “in sickness and in health.” She definitely deserves the wife of the year award. If, in fact, there is a child produced, Mr. Stepien is on diaper duty until that kid graduates high school.

After the circus hearing, Mr. Stirewalt said he had no idea childbirth was an available excuse.

“If I’d had another kid I could have done it by tape, too,” he told reporters. If only the rest of America had such an option.

• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at The Washington Times.

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