- - Friday, May 7, 2010

Word on the streets of our otherwise quiet little neighborhood is that random packs of Dalmatians have been attacking kids all over town. Numerous eyewitness reports, video, citizens’ testimony and documentation conclusively identifies these black-and-white-spotted dogs violently biting, maiming, and in some horrific instances, actually killing children and then viciously attacking responding animal-control officers.

In typical bureaucrat disconnect, city officials have sent pudgy, undertrained “professional” animal-control officers to the scene of the crimes, I mean “alleged” crimes, with their nets and long-handled nooses. Now mind you, all reports state clearly that in every instance, the offending animals were extremely vicious and extremely aggressive, demanding - by all common-sense considerations - a more prepared response than nets and nooses. On more than one occasion, the responding officer was overwhelmed by the sheer ferocity of the attacking animal, and being unarmed so as not to alarm the citizenry, the helpless and hapless officers were severely injured.

Go figure.

And, again, in each and every instance the attacking canines were Dalmatians, the identifying black and white spots uncontestable.

Further complicating the life-and-death need to get these dangerous animals off the streets was the official directive by the czar of animal control, that, in an effort not to offend or hurt the feelings of any innocent Dalmatians, no officer can single out or “profile” any dogs based solely on the graphic makeup of their coats. In many instances, officers have passed up opportunities to capture and neutralize Dalmatians while they looked into reports of collies and Irish setters said to be running free in the neighborhood.

Here’s how the Motor City guitar player would have, and in the past has, handled such situations:

First rule from my hometown of Detroit - you don’t bring a net to a dogfight. You bring a silenced .22 Magnum scoped rifle and take out the dangerous animal with a head shot at the very first opportunity.

Call me weird, but I prefer saving human lives to protecting “feelings.” The alternative is extremely dangerous.

My name is Ted Nugent, and I profile. And it is good.

We are sick and tired of the soulless condition of denying factual, clear and present danger in the name of feel-good backpedaling.

I profile my daughter’s dates. I profile my children’s friends. I profile my band mates and employees. I profile the fruit I am about to purchase. I profile the sky in order to ascertain my potential need for rain gear. I profile the cleanliness of dining establishments and smiling all the way, I profile the general public as I pleasantly stroll the not-so-mean streets of America. Conditional and environmental awareness is a powerful survival tool. Write that down.

Failing to profile based on one’s life experiences is to abandon man’s basic instinct to learn through trial and error. Such trials, when cataloged by intelligent people, reduce and oftentimes eliminate unnecessary future errors. This is good.

Oh, and by the way, one plus one still equals two, no matter how uncomfortable with the number two anyone may or may not be. Know it.

Let me be perfectly clear; I know damned well that the above self-evident truth is both common and sensible to the vast majority of Americans. Pragmatism and logic still rule the day across America, unless, of course, where the curse of political correctness has a stranglehold on denial cultists.

See if you can spot the Dalmatian.

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