You know why our economy is tanking? It’s because the Mint has made our money look so lame.
Nobody can take our currency seriously. The more they try to make it impossible to counterfeit, the more they make it look like play money.
The other day I got a Coke and paid for it with a $5 bill that looked like it had been drawn by my 6-year-old neighbor.
The clerk tried to give me change for a twenty with money that had the Monopoly guy’s picture on it.
This guy told me he was having an identity crisis and was going to … no, wait. That was me.
Failed movie idea: One ballerina’s journey of self-discovery beginning with her departure from a famed city in Timbuktu to Tutu in a Tutu.”
When exactly did it become OK for guys to wear their shirttails out ALL the time?
Was there a memo? Did they make a special announcement on TV? Was I in the bathroom?
I remember first seeing the shirttail-out look years ago only with guys wearing jeans, and then it was with guys wearing sport coats.
Now it’s with guys in business attire, uniforms - even formal wear. It just doesn’t look right all the time.
I was at a wedding recently, and the bride had on an elegant, long white dress and the groom was in a tuxedo - with his shirttail out.
He should not have had his shirttail out, which is exactly what his bride told him at the altar in front of everybody just before she ran off with the best man, who, by the way, had his shirttail in. (There was some other stuff, but that’s what stuck out in my mind.)
“Preventive” means the exact same thing as “preventative,” but it has less T and A.
OK. I’ve decided who to vote for.
Where’s my ballot?
I once tried to form a one-man band, but nobody ever showed up for practice.
Daylight Saving Time ended last week, which means that, although you are reading this column in Daylight Spending Time, you actually are reading it an hour later than you would have been reading it at this same time two weeks ago.
What’s more, this is a leap year, which means that, although you are reading this column today, you actually are reading it a day later than you would have been reading it on this same day last year.
You know what that means?
It’s later than you think.
I am so over Grover Cleveland.
This is one of those sentences that starts out strong, then fades fast and ends with an ellipsis …
Fourth-grade movie review of “Citizen Kane”:
This movie was made in olden times. It is about a man who died. I think he was an illegal because he wanted to be a citizen. But he could not get enough votes.
He was a kid once but he got old fast. That’s why he was mad all the time. He owned a newspaper. He probably owned a Web site too but no one knew it back then.
He got married a couple of times because he got divorced. He built a big house called Xanax. Some other stuff happened. Then he died.
I did not like this movie because it was long. It was made in olden times when they did not have color. So everyone was sad or mad a lot. That’s why they drank so much.
This movie did not make sense. The man died at the beginning of the movie and at the end of the movie. That’s messed up. He was rich but he was not happy because all he wanted was a sled. That’s dumb. He could have bought a sled.
At the end of the movie somebody finds his old sled and puts it in a fire. That’s bad. They could have sold it on eBay and made some money. That old man would have bought it. He didn’t even know he had it.
The best part of the movie was the end because then it was over.
I am glad we have color now so that people can be happy in movies.
I’m creating a social networking Web site for anti-social people.
“Antidisestablishmentarianism” isn’t the longest word in the English language.
It just likes to think that it is.
I think I’m going to order a vanity license plate with the word HUMBLE on it, just to mess with the DMV’s head.
I’m a romantic at heart, but modern sensibilities have ruined that aspect of my life.
My favorite love songs, which express thoughts like “I can’t live without you” and “You belong to me” and “I’m never gonna let you go,” now sound like they were all written by stalkers.
When someone tells you not to buy a pig in a poke, heed their advice.
I bought a pig in a poke once. It wasn’t what I thought it would be.
“Social Security” sounds like it should be all about making friends with benefits.
Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with making friends, and it’s becoming less about the benefits.
For us socially insecure types, that’s not good.
• Read Carleton Bryant’s daily humor blog at https://washington times.com/weblogs/out-context/