A lot of words are being thrown around about that Virginia couple accused of crashing President Obama’s first state dinner last month.
Words like “interlopers.” “Security breach.” “Reality TV.” And “Satan.”
Still, what many people are missing is the truly awe-inspiring essence of this incident.
I did not know you could crash a White House party.
I would not have thought it was possible.
But this couple has shown that, not only is it possible, it’s probable.
Now I feel as if I could do anything. ANYTHING!
I could drink that glass of milk and not suffer the flatulence of my lactose intolerance.
I could rig my car and turn my morning commute into a scene from “Death Race.” (“Signal? Here’s my signal!” BOOM!)
I could not pay my taxes, say my dog ate my return and get away with it. And I don’t even have a dog.
Yes, this couple has shown that “protocol” is just a bunch of rules that somebody made up and other people follow because they’re afraid of being Tasered and going to jail.
For that, they deserve our deepest consideration.
There’s talk that they have been angling for a spot on the reality TV show “Real Housewives of D.C.” I say that’s thinking small.
They could host their very own reality TV series — “Party Crashers.”
Each week they could present and comment on video clips of people crashing parties all over the world.
The clips could be judged on the degree of difficulty involved in crashing particular types of parties. For instance:
• A 6-year-old’s birthday party. Degree of difficulty: 2
Most parents take caution in monitoring their children’s parties, but there are a few who don’t. (Jon Gosselin springs to mind.)
You lose points if you crash the party dressed as a clown, but gain points if you tie balloon animals into erotic shapes.
• A frat house kegger. Degree of difficulty: 3.5
Granted, frat houses aren’t anything like Fort Knox. But when they tap a keg, frat boys keep a close eye on who’s guzzling the free beer.
You lose points if you bring your own keg, but gain points if it’s full of root beer.
• A bash at the Playboy Mansion. Degree of difficulty: 7.2
In many ways, the Playboy Mansion is like Fort Knox — from the armed guards to secret vaults to the grotto full of bathing beauties. (No, I haven’t ever been to Fort Knox. Or the Playboy Mansion. How could you tell?)
No points if you look like Hugh Hefner. Just pity.
• A White House State Dinner. Degree of difficulty: 10
Let’s face it. With all of the White House’s high-tech equipment, the Secret Service’s eagle-eyed agents and the Obama administration’s conscientious vetting process, there’s no way you’re getting into a state dinner without an invitation.
Unless you say, “I’m with Joe!” and bring your own bottle. (By the way, when asked if you’re a terrorist, the polite answer is “No, they scare me.” The same answer is appreciated when asked if you’re a Republican.)
No points for saying you’re a big donor, but major points for wearing a tuxedo T-shirt.
• A soiree at Oprah Winfrey’s house. Degree of difficulty: 12
To attend a party at Oprah’s house in Montecito, Calif., you must first go to a staging area, where security guards frisk you, check your ID and take a DNA sample. Then they load all the partygoers onto a chartered bus and drive them five miles to Oprah’s house, where everyone is again frisked, fingerprinted, photographed and tagged.
And before you enter Oprah’s house, you must surrender your shoes.
You get points just for showing up at the first checkpoint — after the Taser wears off, of course.
Overheard at Tiger Woods’ estate: “Since when can’t a man crash his Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree in the middle of the night and have his wife break open a window with a golf club in order to drag his unconscious body from the wreckage without everybody asking questions about it?”
• You can reach Carleton Bryant at 202/636-3218 and firstname.lastname@example.org — but only if you give him points for trying.