- The Washington Times - Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I might be in some legal trouble — yet again. This time, it’s not for drinking or driving. I’m being investigated by London police after some jewelry was stolen from a photo shoot I did for British Elle. I just loved the bling they had on hand. I guess I shouldn’t have had so many questions about the gems and asked if I could have them — when they disappeared, I was the first suspect.

I seem to have a problem. I’ve heard Louis Vuitton won’t work with me anymore because I’ve grabbed things at their shoots. And I was almost sued by a Russian student after I was photographed wearing a coat she says was stolen at a New York night spot.

I’ve got lots of money, so I don’t know why I’m always being accused of theft. Don’t you think it’s a bit ridiculous to say a famous actress steals things?

- Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief.

- Ambrose Bierce

I was just 18 when I came out. With a dad who was a Republican and a mom who wanted grandkids, that was tough. Now, at 40, I’m taking another big leap in terms of identity - I’ve decided to transition to being a man. I’m undergoing a sex change, and I’m not sure how I - or my mom - will handle this new adventure. Life hasn’t been easy living as a woman, though. And I remember when I appeared on my parents’ “The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour,” I always asked to match my outfits to my dad rather than my mom. Don’t you think I’ll be more comfortable as a man?

- Chaz (formerly Chastity) Bono

Dear Chaz,

As far as I’m concerned, being any gender is a drag.

- Patti Smith

I was finally starting to enjoy a little peace and quiet - and now I’m in the headlines again. I’m being sued for copyright infringement by a late author’s estate. It came as a surprise. I published the book in question, “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,” nine years ago. It was the fourth in my seven-book series. This estate has accused me of copying “substantial parts” of some 36-page book by a no-name author. Isn’t that ridiculous? Children and adults around the globe love my work so much, they’ve made me the world’s richest author. Why would anyone think I’d be plagiarizing when I was already a success?

- J.K. Rowling

Dear J.K.,

He invades authors like a monarch; and what would be theft in other poets is only victory in him.

- John Dryden

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