- The Washington Times - Sunday, June 21, 2009

A recent study shows that men prefer the shape of average women to that of supermodels. Which makes me think that supermodels might be losing their powers.

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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But ugly is there for everybody to see.

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Cats don’t stay with you out of a sense of loyalty. You’re only a potential food source for them. Even when you sleep.

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“Dungeons and Dragons” is for people who have a hard time with reality. So is reality TV. And quite often politics.

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Every time I hear “MacArthur Park,” I die a little inside. The lyric “someone left a cake out in the rain” really gets to me. I think, “Why would anyone do that? Didn’t they know it was cake? Cake!”

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Frogs start out as tadpoles, which means they’re one of the few animals that get less tail when they mature.

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Good manners begin with good hygiene, and bad hygiene cannot be covered up with perfume or cologne. If this is news to you, please please please do not thank me in person. A phone call will do. Long distance.

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HOV lanes are for people who refuse to take the time to drive by themselves. I drive alone because life is too short to speed through it. Sometimes you gotta slow down and smell the exhaust fumes.

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“It takes two to tango” ignores the fact that most of the solitary waltzers you see usually are being chased by big guys with butterfly nets.

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“Jon & Kate Plus 8,” the reality TV show about a married couple with eight children, is losing viewers, so expect a plot twist — like another baby or a three-part episode in Hawaii.

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Killer whales have the most awesome name in the animal kingdom. You know what’s going to happen around a killer whale. It’s like a truth-in-advertising thing. The second most awesome name in the animal kingdom is sperm whale.

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Love and loneliness can make you do stupid things, especially when they occur at the same time. How else do you explain “The Bachelor?”

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My family will provide me special treatment this Father’s Day — a full day of waiting on me hand and foot, of serving me my favorite spicy foods and ice-cold beverages, of allowing me complete and total control of the TV remote. Ah, bliss! In fact, I have only one hope for today: that they are reading this column and getting the hint.

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New Orleans residents say they’d like Brad Pitt to run for mayor. Really. Preferably, they’d like him to run in slow motion. … On the beach. … You get the picture.

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“Onion” is pronounced the way “union” is spelled.

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President Obama recently named a “pay czar” and a “Great Lakes czar,” and he thought about naming a “car czar.” And he already had a drug czar, a border czar, a health reform czar, an info-tech czar and a regulatory czar, among others. That’s a lot of czars. It looks like the Obama administration is the path to czardom. I just hope that if they ever need a “bacon czar,” they’ll keep me in mind. Because I know bacon.

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Queen Latifah is set to star in a new movie in which she doesn’t sing. Consider this your warning.

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Rod Blagojevich. That’s all I need to say about that.

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Sandwiches often are underrated. But they allow you to hold an entire meal — meat, vegetables, bread, condiments — in the palm of your hand. And you can carry a full meal in a bag in your pocket if it’s a sandwich. And you can wolf down a complete meal in no time, if it’s a sandwich. And it’s all right there in your hand … come to think of it, sandwiches are kinda gross.

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The former prime minister of Great Britain, 83-year-old Margaret Thatcher, was hospitalized after breaking her arm last week. But she said it was worth it to beat current Prime Minister Gordon Brown in an arm-wrestling match.

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“Unabomber” Ted Kaczynski is fighting a federal plan to auction his belongings and give the proceeds to his surviving victims. He’s going to write a letter to his congressman.

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Vampires have really made a comeback — in books, on TV and in movies. And they’re all becoming sex symbols, as well. Who knew that being undead could be so sexy? Besides Keith Richards, that is.

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When was the last time you saw Bill Clinton playing the saxophone? I guess it isn’t cool for an ex-president to play the sax. Probably has something to do with the spit valve.

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X-ray glasses are the biggest ripoff. I bought a pair when I was a teenager, and when I looked at girls in my school, all I could see was their clavicles. That was $7,500 down the drain.

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You can run AND you can hide. But you can’t do both at the same time.

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Zookeepers have a thankless job. They get attention only when an animal escapes or a panda gets pregnant. I wouldn’t want a job where I’d have to explain my involvement in a mauling or an animal’s insemination.

You can contact Carleton Bryant at 202/636-3218 and [email protected] — but only after you contact Abner Bryant and Buford Bryant first.

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