- The Washington Times - Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

For a brief moment, I was the most-watched woman in the world. Now I think I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.

I dreamed a dream - and almost saw it become reality. Instead, I only came in second on the “Britain’s Got Talent” reality show. I wonder if it’s because people heard I had a couple of public meltdowns. There were even rumors this little Scottish spinster used some nasty words.

You can’t imagine the pressure that comes with 20 million people watching you sing and wondering what you’ll do next, though. I really do have talent - and I feel it’s being overshadowed by my celebrity. I’m sitting in a psych clinic, wondering how to cope with all this attention and let my voice shine. I fear it’s all been too much for me. - Susan Boyle

Dear Susan,

There is no such thing as talent. There is pressure.

- Alfred Adler

I’ve been called Father Oprah because my TV show hands out relationship advice. I’m the most popular priest in Miami. Well, I was. I left the Catholic Church after photos surfaced of me embracing a woman. I’ve decided to become an Episcopalian - their priests can marry. I obviously can’t handle Catholic celibacy, but I’m wondering whether married life will be better. Have I really thought this through? It was pretty easy to tell my girlfriend I couldn’t marry her when I was Catholic. Now I have no excuse. - Alberto Cutie

Dear Alberto,

Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.

- Samuel Johnson

After six years of trials, I’ve finally been convicted of murder. I’ll be going to jail for 19 years to life.

I can’t help but feel the jury ruled against me because they didn’t like me. I’ve always marched to the beat of a different drum. Reporters used the euphemism “eccentric” to describe my hermetic life over the last few decades. I’ve never felt I had to get people to like me. I’m a genius; isn’t that enough? - Phil Spector

Dear Phil,

One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.

- Bertrand Russell

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