- The Washington Times - Sunday, May 17, 2009

I went to see the new “Star Trek” movie last week and made a couple of observations:

• If you’re assigned to an Away Team and nobody knows your name, notify your next of kin immediately. You’re not coming home.

• The “Prime Directive” forbids interference in an alien culture. But the “Sub-Prime Directive” prompted the foreclosure of Star Fleet Academy.

• There are no toilets in “Star Trek,” so what exactly is going on in those jumpsuits?

• When in doubt, blame it on a transporter malfunction.



• When a cop pulls you over and asks if you know how fast you were going, don’t say “Warp 10.”

•••


So that New York City flyover with Air Force One was a bad idea, huh?

The guy who approved the flight had to resign, and everybody else involved has had to apologize.

I guess this scraps the Pearl Harbor re-enactment in December.

•••


I don’t know about you, but I was so worried about swine flu that I forgot to be mad about the economy. Guess that’s the Obama administration’s “Mission Accomplished.”

•••


Did you see that report about the French?

According to a survey of 18 developed nations, the French eat and sleep more than citizens of other countries.

The French sleep almost nine hours a day and spend two full hours eating and drinking nearly twice the amount of time Americans, Mexicans and Canadians spend at the dinner table.

You know, this explains sooo much!

I’ve always wondered why French actors always look like they’ve just gotten out of bed in their movies. It’s because they have.

With France’s 35-hour workweek, 30 days of paid annual vacation, nine hours of sleep and two-hour meals, it’s amazing it’s a developed country in the first place.

•••


I don’t get invited out much, and I know why. I can sometimes be hypercritical, especially if I’m with someone who shares my point of view.

For instance, my friend Dave and I went to a little place he visits frequently to get some beef stew, which Dave said is always a little salty and gristly. Here is a transcript of our conversation:

Me: I see what you mean about the saltiness. It’s almost like they were trying to preserve the meat, then decided to just go ahead and serve it. I think they might have dropped this cow right at the salt lick.

Dave: I believe, now, in hindsight, that I grievously understated the “gristle” aspect of the dish.

Me: What’s unusual about the stew is that the potatoes have the texture of beef and the beef has the texture of tire rubber.

Dave: If, say, you were thinking this dish were called “Salty Beef Gristle Stew,” you might well be mistaken. More likely, its name is something more along the lines of “Gristly Beef Salt Gristle. With a Potato.”

Me: Don’t regular beef stew recipes have more ingredients than beef, potato, bay leaves and axle grease?

Dave: You’ll eat your Axle Grease Stew and like it! How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your stew?

Me: I do believe this cow was under a great deal of stress before death. Maybe a hunger strike.

Dave: Lucky!

Me: I used to think of myself as being able to eat anything. Now I know better.

Dave: I, too, was defeated.

Me: Well, if it doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger. I should be freakin’ Superman by now!

Then Dave and I thanked his mom for cooking for us on Mother’s Day, and we went out and got a couple of burgers.

They were overdone.

•••


The House version of a war spending bill dropped President Obama’s $80 million request for closing the military detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Democratic lawmakers said if the president wants to close Gitmo, he’ll need to present a plan first. The House bill totals $94.2 billion.

I’m confused.

The Democrats campaigned to end the war, close Gitmo and punish greedy corporations. Since they’ve been in power, they’ve continued to fund the war, refused to close Gitmo and given billions in taxpayer money to corporations that then give millions in bonuses to their top executives.

Are the Democrats becoming Republicans? I guess somebody has to.

I mean, there are so many Democrats in Congress now that they’ve got to play both sides just to keep things interesting.

It’s not surprising that the Democrats did this during one of television’s sweeps months. They obviously want to boost C-SPAN’s viewership numbers to get their show renewed for another term.

•••


I went to a fancy party in New York the other night, and all I got was a head-butt from Kiefer Sutherland. … It was awesome!

•••


Mr. Spock: “I’m a Vulcan, not a freakin’ elf.”

Aragorn: “You look like an elf to me.”

You can reach Carleton Bryant at 202/636-3218 and [email protected] but only if you stretch first.

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