- The Washington Times - Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Republican Party is about to unleash October surprises to persuade the two or three remaining undecided Americans to vote for GOP candidates. They will reveal negative rumors about Democrats and their media accomplices. A source on background released the following disquieting details:

In a sign that the economy is in worse shape than has been publicly stated, Air Force One has begun charging the president a fee for his carry-on luggage.

The Senate majority leader is so convinced he’ll lose, he’s already signed to headline in a new Las Vegas act, Siegfried and Reid.

If the Democrats lose the House, Speaker Nancy Pelosi has assured her aides she will keep a stiff upper face.

In a hint that she may challenge the president in 2012, Hillary Rodham Clinton has quietly brokered a peace treaty between North Vietnam and New Hampshire.

The presidential seal that fell off the podium was actually attempting to take its own life after listening to Mr. Obama’s remarks on the economy.

Even though Michelle Obama has planted jicama, plantains and papaya, the first lady denies she’s growing an undocumented worker sanctuary garden.

President Obama has replaced his teleprompter with Jon Stewart’s cue cards.

The ozone layer above our nation’s capital will be depleted for the next hundred years because of Sen. Carl Levin’s application of aerosol spritz to his comb-over.

President Obama is so unpopular among his own staff that he is reduced to playing one-on-none basketball.

To create shovel-ready jobs, a construction crew has built a secret exit ramp behind the White House for all remaining economic advisers.

The president will take a day off next week to visit the White House.

The real reason former Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel resigned was so he could spend more time with his family of foul-mouthed rodents who live in his old ballet tights.

Florida Rep. Alan Grayson was evicted from an Orlando motel after bedbugs complained he was contaminating their mattress.

Senate candidate Richard Blumenthal already has admitted he lied about serving in Vietnam. He not only lied about serving in Vietnam, but there’s more. In 1958, as a Connecticut Boy Scout, he was court-martialed for selling square-knot secrets to a mob-affiliated troop in New Jersey.

When Eliot Spitzer heard what a Jerry Brown staffer called Meg Whitman, the CNN host phoned Mrs. Whitman and asked if she was ever free for lunch.

The Justice Department plans to imprison any cartoonist who draws a character with an incandescent bulb over his head.

Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. has ruled that Arizona police may not interrogate Mexican jumping beans that spring over the border fence, as it constitutes legume profiling.

Former CNN anchor Rick Sanchez has been hired to host “Good Morning, Palestine.”

The president’s indecisiveness was on display last month when he was spotted on the Truman balcony shouting, “I’m mad as hell and I may or may not take this anymore.”

Overwhelmed by all of the House ethics investigations, Mrs. Pelosi has asked the Army Corps of Engineers to help her drain the swamp.

The State Bar of California will recommend that undocumented former housekeeper Nicky Diaz be pardoned and that Gloria Allred be deported.

The president’s disapproval rating is so high, his mother-in-law tells son-in-law jokes.

As a conservative, I trust that the above will be dismissed as mean-spirited fabrications. Just kidding.

Raymond Siller is a television writer and political consultant.

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