- The Washington Times - Monday, July 11, 2011

ANALYSIS/OPINION:

Come and listen to a story ‘bout a man name Jed, Poor Marylander, barely kept his family fed. Then one day he was shooting at some food, And up through the ground came a bubblin’ crude.

(Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.)

Well the first thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire.

Kinfolk said, “Jed, move away from there.”

They said, “Delawarey’s the place you oughta be.”

So they loaded up the truck an’ they moved to Bethany.

(Beach that is. Sandy shore, oceanfront.)

Jed’s truck never made it down to the ocean beach.

The tax folks done brought Jed’s truck to a haltin’ screech.

Seems that Jed hadn’t paid the millionaire’s tax,

And the state tax office stopped him in his tracks.

They said, “Jed, you got to pay yer fair share.”

“Somebody’s got to pay fer our health care.”

(Costs, that is. Poor folks, illegals.)

But poor Ol’ Jed’s troubles were just a beginnin’.

A state man was standin’ there just a grinnin’.

“You know that swamp where you found all that oil?

It’s leakin’ all over the alluvial soil.

You done polluted that whole wetland.

I know you did, I seen it myself firsthand.”

(Chesapeake Bay, that is. Sandy shore, waterfront.)

“I see ol’ granny’s swillin’ from a whiskey jug.

Now I don’t mean to be cruel or even to be smug.

But you must know as everyone does

That we tax anything that gives you a buzz.

An’ ol’ granny’s lookin’ downright frisky.

I’m guessin’ that there is illegal corn whiskey.”

(Sin tax, that is. Liquor, cigarettes.)

“Our lawyers tell us your oil rig’s too close to shore

In the crucial area, which you must now restore.

A fine is involved, which we will determine,

It’ll cost more than a coat made of ermine.

You’re in deep trouble for causing all this mess.

It might be better if you would just confess.”

(To a felony, that is. Prison time. Charles Manson.)

That truck looks old an’ is puttin’ out some smoke.

Have you had it checked by our emissions folk?

A violation could run into some money.

You could be pollutin’ the lungs of some poor lil’ bunny.

Jed, your buildin’ up a criminal sheet.

You won’t ever again be walkin’ the street.”

(A free man, that is. Walking around. Fresh air.)

And so learn the lesson learned by Jed Clampett

Who’s now doing time in prison and deeply in debt.

If you should find yourself lucky and be loaded

Don’t be a fool, don’t let yourself be goaded

Into trying to escape away from this state.

Better to get out now before it’s too late.

(Flee, that is. Run fast. Don’t walk.)

Well, now it’s time to say goodbye to Jed an’ all his kin,

And so we’d like to thank you all for kindly droppin’ in.

You’re all invited back next week to this locality

To have a heapin’ helpin’ of our hospitality.

(Maryland-style, that is. Set a spell. Take out your wallet.)

Y’all come back now, y’hear?

Rick Kollinger is a cartoonist whose work appears daily in the Star Democrat in Easton, Md.

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