- - Sunday, December 21, 2014


Liberals were in a near euphoric state on Wednesday after President Obama announced that the United States and Cuba are on a path to normalizing relations between the two nations, a move that will pave the way for a U.S. Embassy in Havana, and may eventually lead to lifting a 50-year-old American trade embargo.

I mean sure, the Castro brothers are oppressive to their own people. So they’ve killed an untold number of political dissidents or imprisoned them in forced labor camps. So they don’t allow “freedom of speech,” or “freedom of the press,” or “the right to assemble.” Yeah sure, they’re a “state sponsor of terrorism.”

However, to their credit, they don’t support the Koch brothers. That would be a real crime. Ask Harry Reid.

It’s a shame that Democrats won’t extend the same olive branch they did to Cuba to American citizens who happen to disagree with them politically.

Take Democratic congressman and tax cheat Charlie Rangel, who was, coincidentally, in Havana at the time of the president’s announcement (probably trying to score some cheap rental property from Raul Castro). He was overjoyed by the news. Appearing on CNN, Mr. Rangel said:

“I have never been more proud of being an American. The Cuban people are dancing in the street. And so many members of Congress and Americans are proud of the president for taking this historic position.”

Mr. Rangel was all smiles in the heart of Havana, but he wouldn’t be caught dead in a Hobby Lobby. After all, Hobby Lobby is a truly oppressive totalitarian regime. Their health care plan oppresses women by only providing access to the following categories of FDA-approved methods of birth control: male condoms, female condoms, diaphragms with spermicide, sponges with spermicide, cervical caps with spermicide, spermicide alone, birth control pills with estrogen and progestin, birth control pills with progestin alone, birth control pills (extended-continuous use), contraceptive patches, contraceptive rings, progestin injections, implantable rods, vasectomies, female sterilization implants and female sterilization surgeries.

For any other methods of birth control, Hobby Lobby employees are burdened to pay for it themselves. To leftists such as Mr. Rangel, that kind of oppression is simply unforgivable — because — down with patriarchy or something.

To date, details of the diplomatic deal between the United States and Cuba are still sketchy. Many are questioning whether the Obama administration scored enough concessions from Mr. Castro to justify the normalization of relations.

Let me be the first to say to conservatives everywhere: Don’t be ridiculous. Given Mr. Obama’s extensive diplomatic resume of beer summits and seamless advancement of U.S. interests abroad (just ask Vladimir Putin), I think it’s safe to say Uncle Sam has this one in the bag.

In fact, sources close to the White House are already beginning to leak a few of the terms the administration is currently negotiating toward a more prosperous and progressive Cuba:

First, no Havana Chick fil-As.

Second, Mr. Castro must agree to participate in a Cuban Cash for Clunkers program. Say goodbye to all those 1950s Chevys.

Third, the creation of a Cuban version of Netflix, which due to limited bandwidth on the island, will be called NetFlick. Incidentally, it will also ban movies starring James Woods, Charlton Heston, Rob Lowe (as well as Less Attractive Rob Lowe, Painfully Awkward Rob Lowe, Creepy Rob Lowe and Crazy Hairy Rob Lowe), Stacey Dash, Nick Searcy and any Ronald Reagan movie that doesn’t include Bonzo. Oh, and no episodes of “Duck Dynasty.”

Fourth, Cuban school children must eat lunches approved by first lady Michelle Obama. Menu items include partially treated tap water, mud and Soylent Green.

Fifth, Castro stormtroopers must use EPA-approved, organic, biodegradable sticks when beating dissidents.

Sixth, Cuba must maintain its government-run education system. In fact, the Department of Education will be sending down some Common Core policy representatives from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to take some notes.

Seventh, Cuba must put a taller fence around all property belonging to the Castro family. Trust us, your version of the Secret Service will thank you.

Eighth, due to the eventual increase in numbers of U.S.citizens visiting Cuba, Rep. Hank Johnson will be sent to Havana to monitor the island “to make sure the added weight from obese American tourists will not cause the island to tip over and capsize.”

Ninth, Cuba must take Justin Beiber as a permanent resident — non-negotiable, no questions asked. Just please take him away.

And if any of Cuba’s citizens speak out against one or all of the stipulations listed above, just call them a racist.

A word of advice to the members of the liberal left who are undoubtedly speeding to the airport to catch a flight to Cuba — take a moment to look back in the rearview mirror at the mess you are leaving behind in your own front yard.

Health insurance premiums are still skyrocketing under Obamacare. A record number of Americans are on food stamps. The economy still feels stagnant at best. The NSA continues its domestic spying program, and we still don’t know exactly how much power the IRS abused when it targeted conservative groups.

Hey Washington — while you are establishing diplomatic relations with Cuba, can you re-establish relations with your own citizens too?

Fingers Malloy hosts “The Snark Factor” radio program on FTR Radio.

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