Peddling his monstrous Green New Deal Monday, President Biden delivered a strange lecture about drawbridges.
They convey cars or trains across rivers, he explained, just like regular bridges. But then along come boats that are too big to fit under the bridge.
So, that’s why you have a drawbridge. It goes up and down. To let the boats pass by, Mr. Biden explained on television.
The problem, said the president of the most powerful nation in the history of mankind, is that when the drawbridge goes up, trains and cars have to stop. Because they cannot go over the drawbridge if it is open.
Every 3-year-old in the English-speaking world put down their little matchbox cars and listened in rapt attention. This grizzled god with translucent skin and rows of white hairs had solved the eternal conundrum of the little Lego Land they had built in the dining room under the dining room table.
Make the bridge go up and down! And then the boats can pass underneath!
It was magical.
But, Mr. Biden told the little boys, there was a problem. The wicked Orange Dragon from the cave in the mountains had let the magical drawbridge rust! It would not open. Or, it would not close! Something. You know, the thing.
“Sometimes you have to use a sledgehammer,” Mr. Biden told the children, to their enormous relief.
But it is still a problem! He said. Because the sledgehammer is heavy. And though he says “union jobs” more than any president in history, hurling a sledgehammer outside the expertise of union workers.
Anyway, the drawbridge is still rusty. All because the Orange Dragon and the bad people from the mountains who paid the Orange Dragon not to eat them had REFUSED to replace the rusty drawbridge.
And the children were sorely amazed.
The children gathered around in amazement and did not realize that no sane person in the real world would dream of putting the grizzled god in charge of a drawbridge. Or even a stationary bridge. Or even a play bridge.
The grizzled god from television would destroy the Lego Land you built underneath the dining room table; worse than that time, the dog had chiggers and ran through the house trying to get away from the scary laughing Halloween pumpkin with his leash still attached.
No amount of drawbridges would have saved your little Lego city.
In the mean, cruel world outside Lego Land, Mr. Biden has made a monumental mess in record time.
Innocent people in Afghanistan plummeted to their deaths after clinging to the landing gear of transport planes that Mr. Biden hastily ordered to retreat. He left behind $80 billion worth of war machinery for our enemies — enemies of the entire civilized world.
Closer to home, Mr. Biden sparked a humanitarian crisis at the southern border with the stroke of a pen. The only winners are the coyotes and warlords who run the drug cartels and make blood money off human smuggling, rape and unthinkable misery.
Gas prices have doubled since Mr. Biden canceled an American pipeline and green-lighted a Russian gas pipeline. Grocery prices have skyrocketed, as have murders and other terrifying crimes.
And even as he delivers the most unusual lecture ever delivered by a president on the functionality of drawbridges, Mr. Biden is unable to offload container ships hauling desperately needed food and goods for the American people.
These are problems that just a few months ago, most people did not even realize could exist. And Mr. Biden is responsible for every one of them.
Now you know why people are begging and praying for the Orange Dragon to come and protect your city and eat the grizzled god.
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at the Washington Times.