- - Monday, August 30, 2010

Fedzilla is taking former baseball pitcher Roger Clemens to federal court on charges that he lied to Congress regarding his previous sworn testimony about using steroids.

Before suing Arizona and launching an investigation against Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the Justice Department launched an investigation against Mr. Clemens when it thought he lied to Congress in 2008 regarding his use of performance-enhancing drugs when he was a big-time ace hurler in the major leagues.

If convicted of slinging bull hockey to Congress, Mr. Clemens could spend some time at a Fedzilla cross-bars hotel and pay a major-league fine. Who knows, maybe his cellmate will be Charlie Rangel.

Shake me, wake me and tell me this has been a maddening scream dream. Say it ain’t so, Shoeless Joe.

Being that I’m just a humble, possessed, Motown-funky guitar player, Fedzilla investigating steroid use in Major League Baseball (MLB) deserves to be swatted like a drunk fly with a corked Louisville Slugger at Willie Nelson’s annual Texas barbecue.

This investigation and prosecution is but another grotesque insult and waste of our hard-earned tax dollars. Here’s an idea: How about leaving this to MLB, which is responsible for investigating cheating players? Instead of Congress investigating Mr. Clemens, I say MLB should put all-time hit leader Pete Rose in charge of the investigation. I’ve got 20 bucks that says Mr. Rose could get to the bottom of it faster than Congress.

By the time the investigation and trial of Mr. Clemens is signed, sealed and delivered, it will have cost taxpayers millions of dollars. It’s no wonder America is broke and our Fedzilla gas pedal is stuck on stupid.

Hey, I’m not advocating that anyone hurl spitballs at Congress, but it’s a much more serious crime for the clowns in Congress to burn our tax dollars by investigating steroid use in professional sports and then prosecute a former hurler for lying to them. Car 54, where are you?

Just this morning, while waiting in line to get my caffeine fix at Starbucks, I asked four other caffeine junkies standing in line with me if they thought their tax dollars should be used to investigate steroid use in professional sports. Three quickly replied with a resounding “no” while the other person, mouth agape, stared at me in disbelief and then said, “Are you kidding or are you for real?” One other junkie had the caffeine shakes so bad that he didn’t comprehend the question. He clearly hadn’t had his first cup of joe yet and obviously needed performance-enhancing caffeine. Nervous yet, Starbucks?

Call me certifiably crazy, but don’t we have other, more pressing issues that should take up our congressrats’ and federal law enforcers’ time?

Here’s one: How about our congressrats investigate why there is a big IOU in the Social Security vault and no cash? This is the largest heist in history. The message here is that if you want to be a legalized bank robber, get elected to Congress. We should erect a great big neon sign on top of the U.S. Capitol that says: “Steal here”!

How about our congressrats investigate Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and be honest about who received campaign contributions and how much cash from these taxpayer-guaranteed slush funds and how Fedzilla’s hands-off approach to managing them created our financial meltdown? Feel free to choke yourself in disgust.

How about our congressrats investigate which members of Congress have blatantly lied to taxpayers about any number of issues? We deserve names and places. I’ll spring for the hot tar if you bring the feathers.

I still want to know how much it costs taxpayers for Speaker Nancy Pelosi to fly back and forth across the country in a military aircraft. Surely flying brooms are cheaper.

Congress should drop the charges against Mr. Clemens if he promises to go back to Texas and never poke fun at Congress. It does that well enough on its own. Case closed.

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