Carleton Bryant

OUT OF CONTEXT: Shhh! Let’s just keep this one between you and me

Researchers have discovered a gene that, when turned off, allows mice to eat all the carbs they want without getting fat. If we allow mice to gorge themselves, what will pigs do?

March 29, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: I forgot what I meant to say, so this will have to do

I've mentioned how my son is in training to become a locust by eating every scrap of food in my house and leaving the empty containers where he found them.

March 22, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: If you’re reading this, you might be in need of professional help

I've tried reading "War and Peace" on three separate occasions. It's way over 1,000 pages — and that's just the Cliff Notes.

March 15, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: More proof that comedy isn’t pretty

If there's one good thing emerging from this economic downturn, it's that we're finding out who's been scamming our cash for all these years.

March 8, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: Give me liberty or give me a good rate for refinancing

Whenever the economy falters, education usually takes the first hit. Guess we all have still got some learning to do. I know I do.

March 1, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: Warning: The following material is simulated. Don’t try this at home.

Having your moral failings pointed out by Rod Blagojevich is like having your fistfight refereed by Mike Tyson.

February 22, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: It’s time someone told the truth about getting older

Last weekend I reached a magical age — the one that lets you say you're turning fortysomething for the last time; the one that Romans enumerated as "IL" or "XXXXIX" or "XLIX," depending on who was chiseling the stone; the one where you get your AARP application promptly in the mail.

February 15, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: You’re back? You must be a glutton for punishment

Once every generation, a politician emerges who captures the imagination of the masses...In our time of economic distress and uncertainty, such a politician has come to the fore. His name is Rod Blagojevich.

February 8, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: I don’t have enough bubble gum for both of us

January is over? Already?! I'm still eating Thanksgiving turkey! It isn't good, but I'm still eating it.

February 1, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: Welcome to the back pages! We don’t get many visitors.

Swedish scientists have found that breeding modern dogs for their appearance has resulted in a decline in intelligence. Maybe it's not the dog breeds that are trending downward in intelligence. Maybe it's their owners.

January 25, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: Every time you laugh, an angel gets its wings

At least a commerce secretary is housebroken. Usually.

January 18, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: Nothing to see here. Move along, move along.

I was talking to a friend about the conceit of our technological supremacy over that of past generations - you know, the belief that if a modern man went back in time, he could take control of society because of his technological superiority.

January 11, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: This year is the first year of the rest of your life

I have a bone to pick with condiment makers, specifically the makers of those little paper packets of salt and pepper that you get at fast-food restaurants.

January 4, 2009

OUT OF CONTEXT: Abandon all hope! This is not a drill!

Sometimes I think New Year's Day was made a holiday by calendar makers eager to celebrate another year of business.

December 28, 2008

Objects in this column are closer than they appear

I don't mind saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" this time of year because people are celebrating all kinds of different stuff.

December 21, 2008

OUT OF CONTEXT: ‘Rock-a-bye’ falls by the wayside

A recent news report said that mothers today are more likely to sing their babes to sleep with a modern pop song than a traditional lullaby.

December 14, 2008

OUT OF CONTEXT: Insert headline here; now turn your head and cough

They say that everybody has a twin somewhere in the world. With my luck, someone will probably find that my twin is a 6-year-old girl in Moscow.

December 7, 2008

OUT OF CONTEXT: Walk, do not run, to the nearest exit. Yeah, right!

Did you know it's illegal to wear a mask and enter a bank and pretend to hold it up for candy on Halloween? Live and learn.

November 30, 2008

OUT OF CONTEXT: This column is sanitized for your protection

Tur-duc-ken. It's a special Thanksgiving treat. It's a chicken that's stuffed into a duck that's stuffed into a turkey. Who came up with this?

November 23, 2008

OUT OF CONTEXT: Time will tell, so get your subscription today

After more than 100 years of automotive history, evolution by now should have come up with a squirrel fast enough to cross the street without getting hit or smart enough not to set foot on the road in the first place.

November 16, 2008